What am I writing about??

I don’t know if you have noticed, but I have been sharing less personally on this blog. And I talk like I’m talking to someone, even though I don’t know if anyone is actually reading this, lol!

I think the reason for less of my usual word vomits is because I have started a private blog for that, where I literally word vomit my thoughts, emotions, plans, and categorize them neatly. Gosh I love blogs. So easy to keep my flying thoughts organized. :) This is helping me to sort through my thought processes, and hopefully it will help me to get to the heart of my issues. I realized that when blogging publicly, even if no one is looking, it’s hard to be flat-out, completely honest and opinionated without worrying about offending/hurting people. Ultimately, it’s more my intention to talk about ISSUES rather than specific people, anyway. And I think I’ve been pretty good about that – staying vague enough, but open enough to share the issue. However, I’ve decided that I need more than that to get to my heart and what is really going on in there – so, sorry, it’s all on my private one now.

I actually emailed a pastor to see if I could benefit from counseling. First of all, I’m okay – I’m not suicidal or anything like that. I just think I need someone  to help me sort out my feelings and thoughts. You know that feeling when things just don’t make sense? Sometimes I feel uncontrollably happy, or sad, or angry… and it just doesn’t make sense. Logically, my brain is working and telling me what I should say or how I should respond to a situation/circumstance, but it can never control how my heart is feeling inside. And I think that’s why sometimes I laugh and I cannot stop – and people think I’m crazy! And then other times tears come out and I don’t know how to stop! It’s a little crazy because I thought the roller-coaster hormonal teenage years were behind me (which reminds me, I didn’t suffer from acne attacks during my teenage years, but now it’s a HUGE battle for me it’s driving me insane!! Am I 10 years behind or something?!) If I base it on my emotions alone, I really think I am borderline bi-polar. But I don’t think I am. I think maybe I’m just really sensitive – where the smallest change in a normal day affects me to the extremes. Wait, is that bipolar?

Well anyway. During my Ethiopia trip, my leader kept talking to me about my pride – and how I like to keep things in, and that’s pride, because I’m still depending on myself. I’m still trying to do it on my own. He said he feels like I’ve been suppressing things my whole entire life that it has become my default, and I’ve never learned to really DEAL with things. I think that’s when I started really thinking about my life. Do I not remember things because I have a bad memory or did I somehow block it out? I don’t want to sound like I went through a traumatic childhood, because I really didn’t! I’m just saying, though, I want to come face to face with my problems – and.. the first step is to find it! I know it’s in my heart somewhere…but my mind is too strong that it confuses deceives even myself.

So, what am I going to talk about on this blog?? I don’t know. I’m just going to go with the flow, and talk about whatever when I have an urge to write. I really love this blogger – she’s a stay-at-home mom who blogs about everything ranging from her crafts, photography, her kids, and just life in general. I especially love this particular post. I totally agree. As much as I love the targeted niche blogs (ie. personal finance, humor, organization, design), I think I love personal blogs so much more. This blog isn’t about anything in particular, but it is about everything interesting/important to me. It’s not an excuse to be self-absorbed, but personal blogs allow the readers to get a feel for who the blogger is and what she is about. I love that. Maybe it’s my sociologist/social psychologist brain speaking, but I really love learning about other people’s stories. :D We ALL have a voice – and the blogging community is a great platform, why not talk about what is important to you!

Crazy.

I was watching Planet Earth, and this part about one of the species of fresh water lake flies really surprised me.

They spend a long time under deep water like a larva to ‘mature’, then they surface and are transformed into flies – only to mate. The scene looks like smoke coming up from the lake. Once they mate, they drop their offspring into the water to start the cycle again … and then they die.

WHAT!? What is the purpose of this? What is the significance of their existence? They have no interaction with any other species whatsoever, and doesn’t produce or create or do anything except breathe, grow, transform, mate, die. Most living things in this world don’t even know it exists, and yet, there they are…doing their own thing. Crazy!!

Here’s a shortened version of this section in the documentary of them mating.

Miscellaneous Thoughts

It has been a really strange month for me .. feels productive, yet, stagnant.

Anyway, I AM EXCITED to share that I finally finished reading the Bible! Ya. It has been a goal like every year for awhile now, but finally, finally (after pushing back timeline 5+ times since July), I can say I’ve finally finished cover to cover! It’s crazy, because the beginning was harder – but the last few books of the New Testament… wow everyone should read it, because it’s so intense!!

In other news, I finally made the observation and have to come to accept the fact that I eat more (junk) food when I’m stressed/unhappy. Some of my friends have no appetite when they’re stressed, and I guess I wanted to be like that too – what a natural alternative to dieting. I know – you shouldn’t do it. Don’t do it! Don’t stress yourself to be thin, because that shouldn’t be the point. But anyway, it wouldn’t even work for me because I realized I work the opposite way. I binge eat. Even though I am stuffed, and full (beyond full), my mouth is still craving something…mmm food. Okay. So, I have to stop using food to escape now that I’ve realized this. sigh.

Also, Facebook has been getting on my nerves these days. It’s getting more and more cluttered. I don’t like that. I need to go on that thing less, and focus on living more! I know I’ve shared about my bad tendency to use Facebook to judge my friendship before.. I guess I’m still struggling on that one.

Lastly, I really like this video below. Reminds me that I want to love Jesus more, not self-righteousness.

“religion says do, Jesus says DONE” – my fave part!

Fresh Sugar Rose Lip Balm

Guess what I just spent $22 on?

Lip balm.

ha.

I was walking around the mall to do some returns, and then I wandered into Sephora because my lips were so chapped from the dry winter weather. I was actually looking for the eos Summer Fruit Organic Lip Balm Sphere that I had read about on Amazon.com. Instead, the girl introduce me to Fresh Sugar Rose Lip Balm.

I think I fell in love with the packaging first. It’s so pretty…light metalic pink. Okay and that’s irrelevant, but I swear that’s how they get you! Anyway, she gave me a sample and it melted on my lips and I knew I was SOLD before even looking at the price.

She went on about the ingredients and I didn’t understand much except here’s what I liked:

• moisturizes & HEALS lips
• SPF 15
• slightly tinted – BUT can pass as natural
• no harmful ingredients

Okay yeah, I will probably look for cheaper alternatives next time, but I gotta say, it works and I don’t regret the purchase at all. My whole theme this year is learning to love – and that includes showing some love to my poor chapped lips. :)

If you’re interested, here is a product review with more details on the ingredients from someone more knowledgeable.

2011 Wrap Up

My 2011 can probably be summarized as “the year where I had to face myself”.

Things I Want to Remember!!

• God Moments
  • January 10, 2011 – ISC Leaders Prayer Meeting - Will you just let me love you, Fei
  • January 28, 2011 – Father’s Love incident
  • April 25, 2011 – Easter Son Rise service – “I Can Only Imagine”
  • July 8, 2011 – Solko mountain
  • July 29, 2011 – felt the complete peace and love of God that I’m going to be okay, and that I still need to discover myself first
  • October 15, 2011 – Saturday of Revival, felt God’s intense love for me, everything happens for my sanctification
• 1st Time Travels
  • Germany – Frankfort
  • Ethiopia – Addis Ababa, Soddo
  • China - Xi’An
  • US – St. Louis
• Books
  • Battle Royale by Yuji Oniki
  • Boys Will Put You On a Pedestal by Philip Van Munching
  • Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert – (didn’t finish)
  • Too Busy Not To Pray by Bill Hybels
• New Experiences
  • Changing Diapers - 1.16.2011
  • ESL Conference – 4.16.2011
  • Summer Missions to Ethiopia – 6.21.2011 to 7.21.2011
  • Dinner at Charlie Trotters - 12.17.2011
• Misc Lessons
  • how I treat people is more of a reflection of MY character, than how they deserve to be treated.
  • life is full of difficult decisions.
  • it’s okay to not always have the “emotions” of worship.
  • being humble is better than being humilitated
  • Ethiopia Trip Reflection
    • Hanok’s humility: “I am God’s servant”
    • I have a lot of pride: blind to my sin, self-righteousness, stubborn-ness, too “strong”.
    • Hanok’s wife: prayer support for her husband, dedication
    • Missionary Grace: “calling” is being faithful with where God has placed you today. One step at a time, the Lord will guide you.
    • Time with God: same God in Ethiopia, my relationship with Him doesn’t change based on location.
    • Importance of the Word of God: living & active, verse quiz-off’s
  • Love is messy. Family is hard. But it’s all worth it!
  • God answers my prayers even when I was blind to it. The timing of EVERY decision this year…all helped me to get where I am now. God worked tremendously through my good decisions and my bad decisions. Whether I made the decision to honor God, or to run away, or to get what I want, or to “just in case”, or at times I was too depressed/failure I even chose to defer decisions. But, at the end of the day (or year), I realize that everything happened so that this prayer of mine would be answered: help my lack of faith. I still lack faith, but God has proved himself faithful.

Looking Forward (at 2012)

I think 2011 has been a “full” year for me – full of falling on my face, but also fall of stepping back up to try again. For that, I know God is training me in perseverance in an odd way. I feel like 2012 will be a year of futher self-discovery. Continuing the path I am on in examining myself completely honestly. It’s so easy to deceive even myself. This is painful sometimes, but it’s the only way to “face myself” and face my problems.

I want to further understand the Lord’s love for me. I think all my God moments this year were about how much God loves me. I can’t seem to be convinced though. I think if I truly let God love me like he intends, I would also love God, love myself, and love people around me. That’s what I want to focus on: I want to love God. I want to love myself (my health, emotional wellbeing). I want to love my neighbors (my family, friends, ministry, co-workers, neighbors). I think there’s a lot of potential for joy in this next year, so I ask for much grace for God to keep guiding me towards the right path for my life.

Whew… this is awesome! I should do this every year. Peace out 2011! Happy New  Year!

Get Up Get Outside

I think this is the 2nd time reading this infographic. I’m going to try to walk to work more – saves gas and adds a little movement to my sedentary day. It’s a little scary walking back from work though, because it gets dark so early now and no one else is walking these days. :(

Via: Medical Billing And Coding

Tebow Insight

Ever since someone posted the video (can’t find a link right now) of Tebow wearing a mic during the Bronco’s game against the Bears, this part of his prayer has been stuck in my head.

“No matter what, win or lose Lord, give me the strength to honor you”

I’ve read some other articles to get a better understanding of Tebow’s perspective on God and on football, and it has been really helpful even for my own understanding of work and life.

In an article in WSJ, he is quoted to say “football is just a game—and that God doesn’t care who wins or loses.”

Then in another, in response to a NFL.com reporter’s question on how Bronco’s loss to the Patriots affects his faith, Tim Tebow said:

“It puts things in perspective, God is still God. I still have a relationship with Christ, and a loss doesn’t change anything. Win or lose, everything is still the same. What matters is the girl I’m about to see, Kelly Faughnan. If I can inspire hope in someone, then it’s still a good day.”

 
Wow, I love it. This guy keeps things simple and that makes it real. To him, life is not complicated. His priority is to honor God and bring hope to people, and football is just his platform to do it right now.

So maybe this should be true for all of us: Love God and love people (Matthew 22:36-40). I don’t have a whole foundation set up, but I can definitely be more mindful to bring hope and joy to the people around me. And career, church, family are just the platforms where I try to do so? Is that what the word “calling” meant all along??

Anyway, it’s weird how things can suddenly make sense.

As someone who really desires more consistency in her own life, Tebow inspires me because he’s consistent in his character both on the field and off. I know if I were suddenly put in the spotlight of the NFL field, I would be too busy trying to be perfect than just trying to honor God with who I am. So, I’m glad I’m still “down and under” and being refined in my character.

Thanks for setting a good example of living out the faith for all of us, Tim Tebow. And thanks for helping me to figure out what “calling” really meant without the Christian jargon. I’m a fan. :)

Pride

Sometimes, it’s our pride that keeps us feeling “failure”. We don’t like ourselves and we don’t want to face feeling like a “failure”. But, it’s really because our eyes are so fixed on ourselves and our mistakes that we don’t even realize it’s not really about us!

Why does it matter if we are “failures” in our own eyes, by our own standards? Because we want to be something else, and perhaps it’s something that we can’t be. (We want to be perfect, and, we are not.)

Well, sometimes we just need to get over ourselves and move away from what we think about ourselves, because this kind of thinking is subjective and biased, and it’s also self-focused. It keeps us in unnecessary and unhealthy capitivity.

A simple illustration: When we realize we got on the wrong train, what do we do? We just get off and then get on the right train. But, we have to get off the wrong train first.

What’s the good in staying stuck on the wrong train of thought, because we’re too stubborn to admit we’re on the wrong train?? It’s not gonna get us any closer to where we actually want to go..

[EDIT]

Heyhey, and I found an intriguing article on failing by Seth Godin.

2012 Planner

I love this thin, bright colored, monthly calendar! Gosh I love bright colors! It was only $2.99 from the Family Christian Store, and it even have coupons in the back for each month of the year. If you shop there at all, it pays for itself through the discounts you get!

I have been a Moleskin fan for a long time, and my past 3 planners have been from them. I still love their idea of mixing calendar and journal, but I’m trying to simplify my life these days..even in the way that I “plan”. Also, I’m realizing that I can’t justify paying $10 for a planner anymore, because at the end of each year I am unnecessarily conflicted about whether or not I should throw it away.. lol.

So, here’s to 2012, keepin it simple! :)

Confusing World.

I picked up the most recent issue of “American Atheist ” magazine at the library during my lunch break, and learned some really interesting stuff!

Did you know that atheists are the “least liked” group of people in America by some polling? And the main argument (for the magazine) is that by not believing in God does not make one less moral. They want to fight against the discrimination against atheists in America, and stand up for their civil rights in our religious free nation. It sounds so ironic..

I think about China, where it is completely the opposite, where most people proclaim to be atheists, and it’s the believers who are prosecuted against. It’s not quite the same, but it’s interesting that there are no homogenous nations. :) Maybe we’re supposed to be mixed for a reason, so 1) we are exposed to each other 2) our faith/lack of faith can be tested.

And it surprised me, that quite a few of the writers for the magazine used to be in a variety of religious ministries. One background blurb introduced someone who used to be a faith-healing minister, who refused to treat his daughter’s illness because he believed that God will heal her. Now he is an advocate against those kind of parents.

It’s just odd, and scary. Does this mean that at one time, we can have faith in something so completely, and then later find ourselves standing on the opposite side?

Then, what is faith? Is it real faith if it can appear and disappear based on circumstance?

I guess I started questioning all over again why I believe what I believe. All the more I realized the danger of just having a ‘superficial’ faith. Superficial, meaning if you just have faith (or don’t have faith) because the people around you say so. I see the importance of constantly checking and testing my faith. Is my faith my own? Or is it based on what people are saying? Because, there are all kinds of people saying all sorts of stuff, so what would I believe?

Also, I need to check my thinking. Even if my faith is real, I still have wrong thinking, which can inappropriately affect my perspective on myself, my community, life, and even on God and faith.

I’m glad it’s Friday and Lock-In weekend! I need sometime to pray and just ask God to help me make sense of things.. what is true, what is real.. what is that verse again?

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirably -if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8

[UPDATE] Timely message at the Lock-In. One thing Pastor Min always says is that you cannot lose your salvation. If you ‘fall’ away and no longer have faith in Jesus, it can mean only one of two things: either you will come back, or you never believed in the first place.

At first that sounds like an easy answer to avoid a lot of complicated situations. But the more I think about it the more I think that it makes so much sense! Your identity in Christ is not something that can just appear and disappear. I feel like it has to be a one way street when it comes to beginning your relationship with him, because just like in any other relationship, you can only go from “not knowing” someone to “knowing” someone. Not the other way around. Unless you had imagined it or made it up in your head, and never really had a relationship with them in the first place, you wouldn’t deny them just because you didn’t get what you wanted out of the relationship.