Pay It Forward

True story.

Today, my friend and I went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant to catch up. At the end of the meal, the waiter comes over and tells us our bill has been paid for us.

“…by who?”

“God.”

“Um… what?”

We couldn’t figure out if he was playing with us, but he was dead serious! He went on to cater to some other customers and then came back, “do you still not know who?”

“No…”

“The couple that was sitting next to you guys before, you guys didn’t know each other?”

We paused and tried to think who sat next to us, but a vague sketch of a couple in 30′s or 40′s was the best we could do. “No, we didn’t know them.”

“Well, I guess it’s your lucky day, free dinner.”

He walked away. As we were walking out of the restaurant, we decided to pass on this unexpected blessing. We walked up to the counter and paid for another table’s bill.

The lady at the counter was so puzzled, she asked, “why are you guys all doing this? Is this a religious thing you have to do today?”

“Oh no, it was just a nice thing they did for us, so we want to pass it on too!”

At that point, the waiter joined the lady at the counter and joked, “I will make sure to sit next to you guys next time.”

The lady responded, “I wonder what this next table will do.”

Me too. But I hope they were blessed out of their socks. =)

The blessed passing on the blessing. AMEN.

Love = Commitment

And no, I’m not talking about marriage..

Today, I was praying and feeling pretty hopeless about the circumstances around me. Everything in my life, both professionally and personally, has been really humbling for me. I feel like God has been stripping me of everything I identify myself by. The more I look at myself, the more I am disgusted at how completely worthless I am. And no, it’s not a pity-party.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was praying and God showed me this metaphor (because I comprehend best with metaphors). He said I’m like a CD with a virus. Most people, me included, usually just toss it out to use a brand new one instead, but he’s still working on cleaning out the virus. It may seem like a hopeless cause, but that’s what love is. And that is how committed he is to me.

What? Why a CD? I have no idea. But it shows me my heart compared to God’s heart. I’m all about the immediate fix. I have no patience to wait for things to change, I can’t endure to keep working at something if I don’t see progress! If a CD is a little scratched, it’s easier to just get a new one than to deal with its imperfections. I think that’s pretty logical.

How about something less logical? If a strain appears in a friendship, is it probably less costly to just count your losses? There are billions of people on this earth, I’m sure another friend will eventually show up..

Replaceable. EVERYTHING is replaceable to me, even me. Is this how I protect my selfish heart?

With that mentality, it’s hard to believe that God can love me fully and completely each and every time. Unchanging. Faithful. Those words are sometimes just too good to be true.

And yet, the worthless and malfunctioning CD remains in God’s hands. He is continuing work to make it new. Why? Simply because he wants to use it, so people can listen to it and see the miracle that God has done. Not because the CD itself is anything special, but when viruses are gone, it will be a blank disc ready for God to show off his magnificent work. Can’t wait.

“Love never fails.” - 1 Corinthians 13:8a

Paul, the Apostle, says,

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

– 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

I really appreciated Pastor Joe’s message on this passage today. Some notes:

- Paul says he delights in his weakness for Christ’s sake (v.10). He never says what the weakness is. God may have kept it from us so that we would not be distracted by what Paul’s weakness is, but focus on how we should see weaknesses.

- The origin of the “thorns” in our life comes from

1. Satan – “messenger of Satan”, because he wants us to be distracted from God.
2. God – “to keep me from becoming conceited”, because he uses these thorns to help us to grow in His purposes.
3. Ourselves – “thorn in my flesh”, because we are selfish and still have sinful nature.

- God answered Paul’s prayer request with a ‘no’. God wanted to teach Paul to love God, despite of any circumstances.

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’.”

- How should we respond to the thorns in our lives?

1. Don’t JUST “endure” through it and wait for it to be over.
2. Pray big prayers through it: not just for the thorn to be removed, but for God to use the thorn to help us a) see our selfishness, b) develop our character, and c) be a blessing.
3. Ask what God is doing: What is God teaching me? What lesson would I never have learned without this thorn?

- When we “boast” of our weaknesses, the motive isn’t to have a pity party, but so the GREATNESS of God can shine through your weaknesses.

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Infants, Toddlers, Kids.. HOPE!

I tell other people to not judge me, but I judge myself all the time. Still, the lesson I’m learning is to not hold others to the standards I have created. Also, to not hold myself to the standards that others have created.

During the past 5-6 years at CFC, there were inevitably many times when people would huddle over a baby with the “awwwww” and the “oooo sooooooo cute!”. I always stood in silence or walked the other way. I never thought babies were particularly cute.. is that so strange??

I started to think that maybe I’m not marriage material, because I could never match up to the women of CFC with their “maternal attributes”. Simply put, I know nothing.

I hesitantly signed up to help with the family retreat this weekend. We would help to look after the kids, so their parents can have some “free” time to worship and pray. Oh Lord, I was scared. When Jinny asked us to “try to bring the kids downstairs”, I really wanted to ask “uh, how?” But that would have sounded so dumb. I was like a fish out of water, completely out of my element and did not belong..

I got to play with a girl named Julia. She plays alone fine, doesn’t need crazy amounts of attention, just some enthusiasm. She’s quiet but she’s always thinking. And she doesn’t cry. She was a joy to play with. Then I helped to put Jonathan to bed, and he actually listened to me! I got to help him change into his PJ’s and he was completely cooperative, and adorable too. So exciting! These kids really melted my heart. I can see now that they ARE cute. Different than the stuffed animal kind of cute, or the cute purse kind of cute, but they are cute in this.. precious kind of way. THERE IS HOPE FOR ME, PRAISE THE LORD.

But here’s what I realized tonight.

I have never really had the context to be around babies/kids in my life, it has been a completely foreign territory for to me until my friend had a baby last April. I knew those creatures existed, but I’ve only seen them in movies, on tv shows, and.. from far away.

I grew up as an only child. I was the youngest in my extended family and even my parents’ friend’s kids were at most 2 years younger than me.

Other than babysitting once in my life, the other experience I had with kids was probably the worst ever.

My mom’s friends came over to visit and they brought their 2 sons. They were like 4 and 7 and I was only in middle school. I just wanted to chat on AIM, because that was the cool thing to do in 7th grade. FIRST, they went into my room and went through my closet, that annoyed me for the obvious privacy invasion for a teenager. So my mom gave them some of my old toys to play with. And while I was happily chatting on AIM in my mom’s room, the 7 year old boy tried to play hide-and-seek with me around the computer table. I ignored him. THEN, he threw a basketball at me. WTF. I was so mad. Who does he think he is?? Coming to MY house, playing with MY toys, and distracting me from MY time, and then throw MY basketball at ME!!! (hey, I was a selfish teenager..) Then I swore off kids – they are BAD NEWS, best to stay away!

In high school, I visited my friend Christine often, and she had a younger sister and a younger brother, and sometimes younger cousins too. I would always be amazed at how she’s able to “live” like that. We would be trying to have a conversation, and kids would be running around like wild things up and down (and up and down) the stairs. Ah, headache. She always joked that when we grow up, I would be the one to come and play with her kids, and then leave when I decide I can’t take it.

So, I developed both an annoyance and a fear of kids, without ever really having experienced the other side of them. I never had to think much about them either, so it wasn’t a big problem.

But now, realizing that marriage and motherhood are (hopefully, God willing) within this decade, I am fre-a-king out. Maybe it’s time to take down my “stay away from me” sign?

All this time, I thought there was something inherently lacking in me, that has and will always prevent me to do anything remotely motherly. This is not true, and tonight proves it. Yet, before I stepped out of my mentality that kids are evil, I couldn’t see anything past panic.

I felt stupid, incompetent, and less of a woman because when I looked at the mothers, the nursery and Sunday School teachers, I’m not like that with the kids. But, it doesn’t mean I’m a hopeless case, it just means I need to be exposed of it more! I’m thankful for Julia and Jonathan for inviting me into their world tonight, showing me so much and encouraging me with hope.

Keep Dreaming

Today, I went over to my convo partner’s place and shared a dinner she cooked for me. It was delicious!!

My heart really craves homemade meals these days. This is a good thing, because it’s forcing me to cook in the kitchen to recreate what my tongue already tastes.

Then she showed me some of her pictures from her trip to NYC over winter break. A memory came to mind and it made me miss it a LOT.

Days in Central Park. Whether roller-blading next to the bikers and runners, or sitting on the grass to pretend to read, those summers in NYC were freeing. Granted I was a clueless child, but there was much daydreaming, and much curiosity about this thing called life. I miss that innocence.

Never in a million years would I have imagined that this is my life now, 15 years later.

What will my life be like 15 years from now? Even 5 years from now?

I am lacking purpose these days. I feel like a slave. I go into work because I am expected to be there, because my paycheck depends on it, and because that’s what young adults with jobs do. Christian-ize it and say it’s a “calling”, but my heart’s simply being dragged along. Am I trying to “fight my heart” of selfishness or am i just  settling because this is safe? This is not my passion. It is true that life is so much more than just a job, but if I am spending 8+ hours a day doing something.. shouldn’t it be something worth doing?

..

Seeing these pictures of what’s left of Haiti really gives me the chills. Am I even thankful for being alive? Well, I should be. It means there’s still a tomorrow for me. There is still hope for this life to be redeemed. There is a future that I can’t see, and I will never know unless I keep going..

I’m gonna pray through the desires in my heart, and really ask God to give me clarity. Time is so precious. How am I going to spend it? What do I want to be living for?

Dying to Live

I received this in an email. How true..

What is my worth?

The question that I have been toiling in my mind this past month has been, “why have I been so depressed this semester? why am I so depressed?”

I complain about my job and the lack of professional growth. I complain about small group and the lack of satisfaction in serving. I complain about Champaign, and blame it for everything. Also, more and more I don’t like who I am seeing in the mirror.

In Pastor Min’s simple terms: whenever I’m unhappy, it’s because I’m either not getting what I want or getting what I don’t want.

What am I getting that I don’t want? What do I want that I am not getting?

I think the biggest thing is finding out I’m no longer good at the things I thought I was good at. Kinda throws you out for a loop when you realize the things that you thought identified you no longer applied.

—work—

I used to be good at multi-tasking. I used to think that I was intelligent and competent. I thought that I learn quickly and pick up things fast. I thought I was good with numbers, they used to just make sense.

Work has been an uphill climb. I don’t feel passionate about health insurance, and most of the time, I don’t get it. I feel so out of my element. I’m constantly driven completely into failure layer. I work in fear because I still don’t really understand how everything connects yet.

I keep thinking about my internship and past jobs, what HAPPENED? I thought I was “professional”?? I feel so dumb.

—relationships—

I used to think I was a good listener. I thought I knew what it meant to be a good friend. I thought I was a problem solver, a mediator.

It has been depressing to witness how much I am “sucking at life” these days.

But more basically, it comes down to this: I have too much pride, in myself. Even as I have been thrown on the floor and have fallen flat on my face, I am still holding on to that pride so tightly. I still want to get up by myself. If I check off more things to do, if I strategically work on these areas, I can be a champion again. I still want to be worth it. How? I have to work harder and become more efficient, more awesome, more..perfect. I still want to earn it. I am still too prideful to accept that His grace alone is my worth. Seeing again that I cannot save myself, maybe I will learn to depend on Him for my salvation. And maybe, I will learn to depend on Him for my identity.

2010 Keywords

I learned last night that we don’t actually count down to the New Year for a New Years Eve service. Haha, oops! After service, I looked at my phone and it was 12:50am!! Happy…..new year minus 50 minutes!!!

Anyway, HAPPY 2010!!!! So glad 2009 is OVER. goodbye. for-EVER.

Pastor Min’s message was really insightful. I’m pretty sure he has said many similar things before, but every word spoke to my heart last night.

Time to look forward. More than resolutions, I’m making them keywords so it can trigger my memory the next 365 days.

1. First of all, January is going to be a detox month – no dessert/junk food, no meat (seafood included, eggs okay), and no soda. I already broke this accidentally after service last night, went straight for the meatball and then the brownie. :( But, progression not perfection, right? The point of this is become more aware of what I put in my mouth and also to force myself to eat more vegetables & fruits – aka be healthy.

2. Follow John Piper’s Bible reading plan to read through the Bible in a year. John Piper is simply brilliant! I follow him on Twitter, and I love that the Word of God is so integrated within him that he has a verse for everything. Hecks yeah I will follow whatever reading plan he uses! I need the Word of God IN me. I seriously do not know how to preach the Word to myself. My mind is .. so .. weak.

3. “If not now, when?” – I am the most impatient person ever, but I am also a huge procrastinator. I have a tendency to push things off to “do it later”, which eventually either becomes “never” or the biggest stress. I’m going to change my mentality to “do tomorrow’s work TODAY”, rather than do today’s work tomorrow.

4. Lastly, I want to be honest with myself and learn to distinguish between delusion and reality.  I think I have a really distorted view of myself and of this world. I used to think that I’m right and that people need to open up their eyes. But I think I’m the one who has been living in an imaginary world. I’m finally seeing that the reason people don’t understand me is because I don’t even know myself! The whole heart motive exploration process has shown me that loud and clear.. sigh.

Also, as I was sitting at the New Years Eve service last night, the word “shameless” came up. The image of King David dancing (like a fool) flashed through my mind. I’m kind of scared of why, and I wonder if that’s gonna be the lesson for 2010. If so, what kind of embarrassing things will I have to go through to learn it?  Oh dear. But perhaps that would be a good thing for me to become. Rather than being so consumed with being what others expect me to be, it wouldn’t be so terrible to finally learn how to “just be myself” all the time. (As soon as I figure out who I am in reality in #4).

So, keywords for 2010: detox, Word, now, reality. Here we go!