Infants, Toddlers, Kids.. HOPE!

I tell other people to not judge me, but I judge myself all the time. Still, the lesson I’m learning is to not hold others to the standards I have created. Also, to not hold myself to the standards that others have created.

During the past 5-6 years at CFC, there were inevitably many times when people would huddle over a baby with the “awwwww” and the “oooo sooooooo cute!”. I always stood in silence or walked the other way. I never thought babies were particularly cute.. is that so strange??

I started to think that maybe I’m not marriage material, because I could never match up to the women of CFC with their “maternal attributes”. Simply put, I know nothing.

I hesitantly signed up to help with the family retreat this weekend. We would help to look after the kids, so their parents can have some “free” time to worship and pray. Oh Lord, I was scared. When Jinny asked us to “try to bring the kids downstairs”, I really wanted to ask “uh, how?” But that would have sounded so dumb. I was like a fish out of water, completely out of my element and did not belong..

I got to play with a girl named Julia. She plays alone fine, doesn’t need crazy amounts of attention, just some enthusiasm. She’s quiet but she’s always thinking. And she doesn’t cry. She was a joy to play with. Then I helped to put Jonathan to bed, and he actually listened to me! I got to help him change into his PJ’s and he was completely cooperative, and adorable too. So exciting! These kids really melted my heart. I can see now that they ARE cute. Different than the stuffed animal kind of cute, or the cute purse kind of cute, but they are cute in this.. precious kind of way. THERE IS HOPE FOR ME, PRAISE THE LORD.

But here’s what I realized tonight.

I have never really had the context to be around babies/kids in my life, it has been a completely foreign territory for to me until my friend had a baby last April. I knew those creatures existed, but I’ve only seen them in movies, on tv shows, and.. from far away.

I grew up as an only child. I was the youngest in my extended family and even my parents’ friend’s kids were at most 2 years younger than me.

Other than babysitting once in my life, the other experience I had with kids was probably the worst ever.

My mom’s friends came over to visit and they brought their 2 sons. They were like 4 and 7 and I was only in middle school. I just wanted to chat on AIM, because that was the cool thing to do in 7th grade. FIRST, they went into my room and went through my closet, that annoyed me for the obvious privacy invasion for a teenager. So my mom gave them some of my old toys to play with. And while I was happily chatting on AIM in my mom’s room, the 7 year old boy tried to play hide-and-seek with me around the computer table. I ignored him. THEN, he threw a basketball at me. WTF. I was so mad. Who does he think he is?? Coming to MY house, playing with MY toys, and distracting me from MY time, and then throw MY basketball at ME!!! (hey, I was a selfish teenager..) Then I swore off kids – they are BAD NEWS, best to stay away!

In high school, I visited my friend Christine often, and she had a younger sister and a younger brother, and sometimes younger cousins too. I would always be amazed at how she’s able to “live” like that. We would be trying to have a conversation, and kids would be running around like wild things up and down (and up and down) the stairs. Ah, headache. She always joked that when we grow up, I would be the one to come and play with her kids, and then leave when I decide I can’t take it.

So, I developed both an annoyance and a fear of kids, without ever really having experienced the other side of them. I never had to think much about them either, so it wasn’t a big problem.

But now, realizing that marriage and motherhood are (hopefully, God willing) within this decade, I am fre-a-king out. Maybe it’s time to take down my “stay away from me” sign?

All this time, I thought there was something inherently lacking in me, that has and will always prevent me to do anything remotely motherly. This is not true, and tonight proves it. Yet, before I stepped out of my mentality that kids are evil, I couldn’t see anything past panic.

I felt stupid, incompetent, and less of a woman because when I looked at the mothers, the nursery and Sunday School teachers, I’m not like that with the kids. But, it doesn’t mean I’m a hopeless case, it just means I need to be exposed of it more! I’m thankful for Julia and Jonathan for inviting me into their world tonight, showing me so much and encouraging me with hope.