Father’s Love..

Where to start..

I am part of a ministry that puts together one section of the church’s bulletin, and last week was my turn. Long story short, I had done my part and emailed it out to the appropriate people with some further instructions regarding it. A day later, the pastor in charge, PastorJ, emailed me back and said something brief, that we need to talk about ‘protocol’.

That word sounded serious, so I felt like I probably had done something wrong.. though I really could not figure out what it was.

Today was the conversation, because we finally got to see each other face to face.

Deactivated

Goodbye to Facebook for me!

Reasons are many. Hope to come back eventually, but I need this right now. So, if I don’t wish you a happy birthday on Facebook….

Will update this blog a lot less too, hope to journal more instead. But I do hope to update my tumblr with inspiration findings and such. =)

Email is the best way to reach me. first name . last name @ gmail

Here’s to 2011 – year of mastering single-hood, growth, and maturity. A lot of changes are coming, and I’m bracing myself because I’m not sure I’m ready. Yikes.

Tumblr! & Work Struggles

I’m not moving my blog, but I did sign up for a Tumblr account! =D

I love the platform there for uploading things. It’ll be my storage of all things beautiful and reminders of what I love about life. I need all the reminders I can get.

Work has been difficult these days.

I think one reason is because my (new) manager is not very encouraging. When she approaches me about a possible discrepancy, there is a condescending smirk as she listens to my side of the story. She’s not really listening; she always first assumes that I have made a mistake, and I stay guilty until proven innocent. I really have a hard time with this!

Of course everybody makes mistakes sometimes, but even when there’s a logical explanation, her initial assumption already set the tone for our conversation. Also, because there is no positive reinforcement from her, I feel like my times with her only revolve around “mistakes”. I think my heart subconsciously pauses each time I see her approaching my cube.

Maybe it’s more about which side of the line she is standing. I believe there is a difference between correction and criticism.

We all need healthy doses of correction; it turns us around and pushes us to continue growing. Those who correct us out of love stand on the same side as us. Parents reprimand children because they want to teach the children to be better.

Criticism is more like finger-pointing. When you point, you are exposing for the sake of wounding; you are already standing on the opposite side. It’s a me vs. you stance, and there is only room for one.

I keep trying to figure out why I need her approval so badly. I think it’s because I continue to associate my competence on the job with her complete satisfaction or praise. All of my previous managers liked me, why can’t she even say something like, “this looks good”. Why does she never seem to be satisfied with my work? Apparently, “trying my best” doesn’t mean much to me if it’s not good enough for her.

This is not what God has commanded:

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,” – Colossians 3:23

Working for men could be a recipe for doom! It’s like waiting for the sun to rise at night, maybe it just won’t happen. I can’t make everyone love me, love my work, and appreciate me the way that I want.

And this is why I need to remember.. my worth is not in other people’s approvals, and there’s more to life.

Ah, easier said than done, as always.

Peepee & Poopoo

The annual Family Retreat was this past weekend! This was the second year that I helped out, and I am so thankful. I think this is where I receive my being-a-mommy crash course each year. Last year, I realized that there is still HOPE for me in being a good mom, and this year, I CHANGED DIAPERS for the first time ever!

I mean, I always knew how to do it in theory – replace the old one with a new one – but unless I’ve actually done it, I didn’t think I could say I knew how. =) Now, I don’t have to shamefully look around when a diaper needs to be changed, I can go for it!

I WAS REALLY EXCITED!

At the same time, it doesn’t change the awful truth that baby diapers with poopoo is the most pungent stinky smell to ever exist! I used to not understand when other people say this – because poop is poop and should smell the same whether you’re 2 or 82! This, as I have recently found out, is not true. -_-

After the experience, I texted my mom:

“I changed a baby’s diaper today! It’s stinky! Thanks for changing my diapers when I was a baby”

I was really thankful that moms and dads and others love us enough to change our diapers to keep us clean. assuming 3 diapers per day, 365 days a year, for at least 2 years = 2,190 diaper changes!

she texted back:

“haha, in fact, we didn’t throw the dirty diaper away when u were a baby because we didn’t have the diapers like now. we needed to wash the “diapers” and reuse them.”

WHAAAAAAT. Not only replacing the old with a new one, but, washing…the..nasty stinky poo….with…bare hands??

I think the word ‘thankful’ is no longer appropriate enough. wow.

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Another thing I realized is how similar we (adults) are to these babies. The hardest parts of the day was trying to put the babies down for nap or have them go ‘nightnight’.

We know that they are tired. We know that they need rest. We change their diapers, help them change into their pajamas, and put them down to sleep. All they need to do is close their eyes and relax!

But no, the rebellious babies seriously cry, fight, manipulate, and do whatever to postpone this inevitable thing, as if we were bad people trying to make them suffer!

Shoot boy, if you’d just stop kicking me and relax, everything would be fine!

Hrm, isn’t this true for me as well?

I continue to doubt that God knows best, even though I know this true. I suspect that maybe God’s plans for me will lead me to uncertainty and possibly suffering, so I run everywhere from here to there, except actually TO Him. But He is the one who knows what I need and wants to give it to me, so.. why am I fighting someone that’s on my side?

I should really learn from the good babies in this..

Scratch that.

I just came back from an ISC leaders prayer meeting, and can I just say, it was awesome! I haven’t prayed like that in some time, and I’m honestly just very… satisfied.

I love the way ISC is led, and I love the people in this group. In a lot of ways, it is quite intimidating because they are all much more “seasoned veterans” in this ministry. Sometimes I feel like a 5 year-old kid who is thinking about the wonderful ball that I recently got to play with, while they are envisioning greater things like the nations and the peoples. Okay exaggeration, but I do think “wow, I’m not on the same page at all” sometimes.

One thing I love about the leader and the group is that they are always so refreshingly vulnerable in what they share; yet, in prayer, it is always brought back to the Gospel until we are able to fall in love with the Lord again.

Many times, I am very insecure with my “level of spirituality” or my “status” in my relationship with God. In response, I often fear, that at any moment, I’ll say something stupid or unbiblical, and CFC or someone in authority, will find out that I’m not as “spiritual” as they “had thought”, or declare that I am not good enough to be a Christian.

Okay, I know that sounds pretty ridiculous, I feel ridiculous rereading that, but I think it is a true fear that I have. This is an idol I struggle with – good enough for the people in the Church. So I’m often guarded in what I say, and hope really hard that I say the right things. So I hate “leading” things or be in the spotlight, because the risk of messing up is higher!!! It’s like I’m a spy trying to fit in or something, wow.

Today, the leader led us in a special prayer structure, where we first prayed for ourselves, and then waited for the Spirit to speak to us. He challenged us to quietly listen. Then, as we are moved, we can share either a prayer request or a Scripture that God places on our hearts to the group as we continue to pray together. He added that we don’t have to share or say something if we don’t want to, and he didn’t want us to make up something to pretend like God spoke to us or something.

This was key. I think, sometimes I try too hard to hear from God that I start making things up – and then I’m really confused because I don’t know if it was me or God. Or sometimes I talk/think so much so fast that I couldn’t really hear anything. My heart is not quiet and it is often so torn with all the things I want that I’m really just talking AT God.

He challenged us to think of Bible verses, or run through the Bible in our mind as we waited for the Spirit to speak. This was really helpful!

At first, I thought, crap I should have memorized more of the Bible. This was not true. Even though I could recite very few verses word-for-word in my mind, parts of different passages stuck out in my mind as I surveyed the Bible. I was blessed, and was reminded that the Scripture is truly ALIVE.

Then a person read Lamentations 3:19-24 out loud.

“19 I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. 20 I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. 21 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: 22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

This was so timely, because it revealed to me what my heart has been looking at: myself.

“What do I DO, God? What do I SAY, God? How do I PRAY, God? Why can’t I BE BETTER, God?” It is really depressing as you realize that you suck and will never be “good enough” no matter how hard you try. But, had I looked at what God is doing within me and around me, I would have seen that my hope for this world and for myself is not in ME, but in HIM. He is the one that is loving me, He is the one that is loving this world, and HE is the one that is faithful even when I fail terribly.

Gosh, I don’t know. Then I thought of the Samaritan woman in John 4. I always think of her when I’m torn between many desires in me. She had 5 husbands, and the one she was with (at the time Jesus met her) was not even her husband. Not saying that I have had 5 husbands and am now playing 1 on the side, but many times I feel like I go to one thing after another to “fill” myself but am still not full. I see a lot of myself in her. I was reminded of what Jesus said when she asked for the water that will finally make her never thirsty again. He said, “I who speak to you am he.” (John 4:26)

I felt like God was tugging at my heart and saying, “Fei, will you please just see that I love you? Will you just stop for a second and let me love you and fill you? Will you stop doing things and running around in circles trying to live up to standards and just let me LOVE YOU? BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. I want to fill you… will you let me?”

What… oh.

Scratch my very detailed organization skills in my planning for 2011. Scratch all the “goals” to hit and legalistic approach to “achieving”. I really want to be in love with the Lord again.

I am so very thankful for ISC.. really. I needed to write all of this down before I go to bed because I’m afraid I’m going to forget tomorrow and go back to my checklists of things to do. Reset 2011, Lord, lead me, and help me to follow.

Gun Control

I think most people have heard about the Tucson shooting in Arizona. It’s really an unfortunate incident. The Congresswoman just trying to meet her constituents, the Chief Judge John Roll just trying to support her, and the rest of them being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

The media have dug up some details about the suspect’s background through his online presence (My Space, YouTube, and such), previous school connections, and they keep using words like “troubled past” and “mentally unstable“.

So, “why was a 22-year old ‘mentally unstable’ man with a ‘trouble past’ allowed to run around with guns legally??”

—

I know the Second Amendment allows people to be armed and carry weapons, but I really do not agree.

Does the average citizen really need to have access to a gun?!?

Some say it is needed for self-protection.

Isn’t it kind of ironic to say that guns are the solution to safety and protection?

Bah.

Would we feel safer if we had guns and “the bullies” didn’t? Maybe. Would we feel less safe if they also have weapons pointing at us? Yes.

The truth is, in a situation where guns are pointed all around, it’s only a bloodbath waiting to happen, no matter who fires first.

Just watch this final scene of “Enemy of the States”. (Side note: GREAT movie!)

How much protection does the gun really provide?

I think we should get rid of guns for good.

Then, when people get angry and want to go on a killing spree, they’ll at least have to put in more effort with their fists. It shouldn’t be so easy for a person to show up at a grocery store and end multiple lives in a few minutes just because he was “upset”.

Am I making things too simple again? Maybe I should go to law school or something!

2011, Go!

I’m kind of a nerd when it comes to trying out new ideas for time management and organization things. A few of the blogs I follow target these areas. I mostly skim until something unique catches my eye, and then sometimes I get really excited when I find something I’m able to customize for my purposes. Implementation is the best part!

Anyway, this is my “system” for 2011; it is a concoction of ideas from various brilliant minds.