Scratch that.

I just came back from an ISC leaders prayer meeting, and can I just say, it was awesome! I haven’t prayed like that in some time, and I’m honestly just very… satisfied.

I love the way ISC is led, and I love the people in this group. In a lot of ways, it is quite intimidating because they are all much more “seasoned veterans” in this ministry. Sometimes I feel like a 5 year-old kid who is thinking about the wonderful ball that I recently got to play with, while they are envisioning greater things like the nations and the peoples. Okay exaggeration, but I do think “wow, I’m not on the same page at all” sometimes.

One thing I love about the leader and the group is that they are always so refreshingly vulnerable in what they share; yet, in prayer, it is always brought back to the Gospel until we are able to fall in love with the Lord again.

Many times, I am very insecure with my “level of spirituality” or my “status” in my relationship with God. In response, I often fear, that at any moment, I’ll say something stupid or unbiblical, and CFC or someone in authority, will find out that I’m not as “spiritual” as they “had thought”, or declare that I am not good enough to be a Christian.

Okay, I know that sounds pretty ridiculous, I feel ridiculous rereading that, but I think it is a true fear that I have. This is an idol I struggle with – good enough for the people in the Church. So I’m often guarded in what I say, and hope really hard that I say the right things. So I hate “leading” things or be in the spotlight, because the risk of messing up is higher!!! It’s like I’m a spy trying to fit in or something, wow.

Today, the leader led us in a special prayer structure, where we first prayed for ourselves, and then waited for the Spirit to speak to us. He challenged us to quietly listen. Then, as we are moved, we can share either a prayer request or a Scripture that God places on our hearts to the group as we continue to pray together. He added that we don’t have to share or say something if we don’t want to, and he didn’t want us to make up something to pretend like God spoke to us or something.

This was key. I think, sometimes I try too hard to hear from God that I start making things up – and then I’m really confused because I don’t know if it was me or God. Or sometimes I talk/think so much so fast that I couldn’t really hear anything. My heart is not quiet and it is often so torn with all the things I want that I’m really just talking AT God.

He challenged us to think of Bible verses, or run through the Bible in our mind as we waited for the Spirit to speak. This was really helpful!

At first, I thought, crap I should have memorized more of the Bible. This was not true. Even though I could recite very few verses word-for-word in my mind, parts of different passages stuck out in my mind as I surveyed the Bible. I was blessed, and was reminded that the Scripture is truly ALIVE.

Then a person read Lamentations 3:19-24 out loud.

“19 I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. 20 I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. 21 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: 22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

This was so timely, because it revealed to me what my heart has been looking at: myself.

“What do I DO, God? What do I SAY, God? How do I PRAY, God? Why can’t I BE BETTER, God?” It is really depressing as you realize that you suck and will never be “good enough” no matter how hard you try. But, had I looked at what God is doing within me and around me, I would have seen that my hope for this world and for myself is not in ME, but in HIM. He is the one that is loving me, He is the one that is loving this world, and HE is the one that is faithful even when I fail terribly.

Gosh, I don’t know. Then I thought of the Samaritan woman in John 4. I always think of her when I’m torn between many desires in me. She had 5 husbands, and the one she was with (at the time Jesus met her) was not even her husband. Not saying that I have had 5 husbands and am now playing 1 on the side, but many times I feel like I go to one thing after another to “fill” myself but am still not full. I see a lot of myself in her. I was reminded of what Jesus said when she asked for the water that will finally make her never thirsty again. He said, “I who speak to you am he.” (John 4:26)

I felt like God was tugging at my heart and saying, “Fei, will you please just see that I love you? Will you just stop for a second and let me love you and fill you? Will you stop doing things and running around in circles trying to live up to standards and just let me LOVE YOU? BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. I want to fill you… will you let me?”

What… oh.

Scratch my very detailed organization skills in my planning for 2011. Scratch all the “goals” to hit and legalistic approach to “achieving”. I really want to be in love with the Lord again.

I am so very thankful for ISC.. really. I needed to write all of this down before I go to bed because I’m afraid I’m going to forget tomorrow and go back to my checklists of things to do. Reset 2011, Lord, lead me, and help me to follow.

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