Father’s Love..

Where to start..

I am part of a ministry that puts together one section of the church’s bulletin, and last week was my turn. Long story short, I had done my part and emailed it out to the appropriate people with some further instructions regarding it. A day later, the pastor in charge, PastorJ, emailed me back and said something brief, that we need to talk about ‘protocol’.

That word sounded serious, so I felt like I probably had done something wrong.. though I really could not figure out what it was.

Today was the conversation, because we finally got to see each other face to face.

He wasn’t mean about it; quite honest and straightforward – the way I like it. From what I understood, I had stepped over my responsibilities when I went ahead and made some decisions about that section without first consulting him. So, rather than discussing it with him and getting his approval first, I made all the decisions myself and sent him an email to give him instructions.

In hindsight, I see how this was disrespectful and quite frankly, stupid. And as I stood there, trying to think through my thought processes and the chain of events, I really don’t know why it never occurred to me to ASK for guidance or approval.

Although things ended up fine, in that the bulletin was created and the appropriate announcements were made, I also see, in hindsight, how things could have been so much easier for me if I had just asked him first. Instead, I stressed out unnecessarily trying to figure out a solution on my own – asking people to help me make copies, cutting up the strips, and making the delivery in time for service.

And then, the unexpected thing happened. Tears started to well up in my eyes. “why am I going to cry, I can’t cry in front him. why would I even cry about this?!” Thankfully the conversation ended, and we parted.

Worship was about to start at large group. I stood there, trying to see the words on the projector screen, but I couldn’t think of anything except the fact I can’t keep the tears in any longer.

Tears started to come down, but I still didn’t understand why I was crying. It wasn’t even a big deal. He was just explaining what I should have done, and why that is important. He wasn’t blaming me. He was just helping me to understand.

Then the song ended, and worship paused, as the leader asked us to greet those around us. Oh GOD, I don’t even know these people, and I am a mess right now, this is so awkward.

Worship began again, and I start bawling. I do NOT understand why I have no control over these tears, or what I am crying over. It’s really not the end of the world, really. What is wrong with me!!!

I walk out of the auditorium to get my act together. Oh freaks, there are people in the foyer. And upstairs. And in the bathroom. Why are there people everywhere!!

After I calmed down a little bit, I came back, and the message was just beginning. It was called “Wrestling with Grace”. Good, I need some of that grace..

I had stopped thinking about what had happened earlier, and things were okay during the entire sermon, until the last few minutes.

The pastor speaking, PastorK, showed a video of a father’s love for his daughter. It showed him first holding her as an infant, and making the promise to love her until the end. The camera pans through her childhood, teenage years, and then stops to focus on the current moment: his wife is telling him that their daughter is pregnant and to please go easy on her. He stands there without emotion as the daughter walks in; she looks ashamed of herself, and fearful of his father’s reaction. He stands there, still processing perhaps, for a little longer. And then, he takes her into his arms and hugs her tightly, telling her that he still loves her.

WOW. That was a powerful moment. I started crying a waterfall again. Thankfully, the room was dark for the video, but I was self-conscious and wondered if everyone else was keeping it together. The video ended and the lights turn back on. Oh GOD, I feel so exposed, I need to leave! So I grabbed my jacket and quickly walked out of the auditorium for the second time.

And as I stood looking out the window in the hallway, wiping my eyes with a piece of paper towel from the bathroom, I thought: wow, maybe I have some deep rooted issues. What a complete mess!

If emotion is an indication of my heart’s desires .. what is my heart saying?!

Is it because I made a mistake? Or, a stupid mistake? But.. I always make stupid mistakes, what is it about this confrontation that was so different?

Is it because I feel like I should have known better? I have failed to live up to his standard? I am no longer perfect in his eyes? Uh, are you serious? When was I ever perfect in his eyes?

Is it because I equate discipline with the end of love? So, because he has exposed an imperfection in me, he is telling me that he no longer cares or loves me?

A person tapped me on the shoulder and asked if maybe I wanted to talk. I said, “no, I just needed some time to think”. He prayed for me instead; he prayed that I will have more faith.

I really felt like a little child, completely unable to hold myself together, oblivious to the people/events taking place around me, and wrapped up in this FEELING, yet unable to articulate any logical trains of thoughts.

As I’m typing this now, I am still trying to process what happened.

I think, the father’s love must be a precious thing to me. And, perhaps, what happened with PastorJ hit a special chord with me because it resembled a father teaching his child. How precious.

Ever since my teenage years, I mostly “felt” my way through the decisions in life. I’m just now learning this habit of “consulting” others. I have made plenty of (stupid) mistakes – and I have learned that my “feelings” aren’t always correct (or wise). I guess I’m the kind of person who has to take a fall (many times) in order to learn. Hands-on-learning type of person.

Anyway, this “independent” and self-sufficient attitude, has now been revealed (through the bulletin incident) as rebellious and a disregard for the chain of commands.

Kind of silly that I feel the need to take everything upon my shoulders, to figure it out for myself, to fight the entire world…..when I don’t have to.

It is really hard for me to comprehend this father’s love – it’s hard to believe that I am disciplined BECAUSE I am loved. Not because I am no longer loved, but because I AM LOVED, I am corrected. It’s also hard to grasp that this is the love of God – the faithful, unconditional, unending love of a Father for his child. This is the love He has for me. I don’t believe it. It’s unbelievable.

If I was that pregnant girl, it’s hard to believe that my father would hug me, or would still love me. Even if he had hugged me and told me that he still loved me, I wouldn’t believe him. I would feel bad for him, that he’s “stuck” having to love a mess like me.

Gosh. Isn’t this how I feel ALL the time? I push away the people that are good to me. I build up walls upon walls to “protect” myself, and end up really just suffocating myself.

Who would ever be able to break down the walls, the barriers. Who would want to! Maybe the person who prayed for me is right – I do need to have more faith. God has already broken down the walls, and he will continue to pursue after me. And most importantly, not because he has to, HE WANTS TO.

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