Ugly Betty Snydrome?

I rarely watch TV these days. Recently, as I was looking to see what’s on, I ended up watching a whole episode of Ugly Betty on the TV Guide channel. Ha.

The basic plot line was nothing out of the ordinary. Betty has a crush on this musician in her building throughout the whole episode, only to find her pretty coworker, Amanda, making out with him at the end. Betty is obviously upset at Amanda for stealing the dude, but she also feels defeated, thinking, of course the guy would pick Amanda, she is prettier.

Then Amanda says,

“You know, Betty, you’re lucky. When someone falls in love with you, it’s real. I have never had that. I never know if I’m loved for who I am or because I’m so pretty.”

What the freaks. Terrible comforting words .. wow.

At the same time, I do think like that too. “Maybe he doesn’t like me, I’m not as pretty as (blank), etc.” All these comparisons. Why do I do that. I know looks is not the only reason of why a boy would like a girl. And if it is, would I want him anyway?

Sometimes I feel like other variables may have replaced “looks” for young adults. Yeah, looks is still important, but I hate the reality that relationships for the adult world can become a mathematical equation of steady income, future outlook, family background, children skills, blah blah blah.

Of course, it should no longer just be about the butterflies in our stomaches like at the 8th grade dance, but I want to believe that special connection between a boy and a girl still exists. I believe God has a special person for me, for us. It has to be more than just a “comfortable” and “stable” life. It has to be!!

Yes, of course I want to marry a “good” guy, but I don’t want to be with someone just because he is a good guy. There are great guys who may not be fitting for me! People say you can learn to love somebody if you die to yourself. That is probably true, but marriage is hard work, so I’m sure there will be plenty of days when I will have to learn that. I want someone that I was meant to be with, you know? Is that too idealistic these days?

I guess we’ll find out when I’m 50 or something.

Book: Too Busy Not To Pray

By Bill Hybels

This was a really fast and interesting read on the importance of prayer, also quite practical on the how. I can see myself reading this again in the future. I also really like the discussion questions in the back of the book for each chapter; it can definitely be helpful if you’re leading a Bible study on prayer. =)

Some takeaways for me:

The Prince of Egypt

We watched “The Prince of Egypt” at an IBS hangout last night, and Rameses touched my heart.

Poor Rameses. I saw his pride a lot more clearly this time watching. He cared so much for his father’s approval. He held on to the notion that he didn’t want to be the weak link in his family history, and he was determined to build a bigger and better empire. He did all that is within his power to resist God’s plans. It ended up being futile, but he still fought against it until the end. He lost everything that he did not want to lose. Maybe it’s because I’ve been thinking about humility, but the phrase “God humbles the proud” kept ringing in my head.

It’s easy to watch and say, “just let them go already! Is it really worth all the stinky frogs? Bugs? Dead crops? Think of the bigger picture Rameses!” But Rameses couldn’t face the alternative – without the slaves, his empire wouldn’t be as great in his eyes, and he would indeed be remembered as the “weak link”.

Freaks, I realized that God is going to continue to humble me until I let go of my pride. Am I gonna wait through all “10 plagues” before I submit myself? If God is the author of the story of my life, shouldn’t I let Him choose to use me (or not), and let Him decide on the how?

I am but a character in His book.. not the editor, or the publisher, or ..you get the gist.

Spring Cleaning

I have been trying to clean my room and clean out my closet for the past 4 hours without much success. So, I’m going to write about it instead.

Why is it so hard to part with some of the most insignificant things? It really boggles my mind. This pastel yellow Aeropostale hoody from high school has followed me all throughout my undergrad years and then 3 more. I have not even worn it in a few years. Yet, at the thought of donating, I questioned if I should at least take a picture of it. You know, for memory’s sake. It’s painful to say goodbye to my once-upon-a-time favorite pair of jeans, boots, etc.

It really doesn’t make much sense, but perhaps it is shedding light on my tendency to hold on to things too tightly for too long. I don’t want to lose what I have. I don’t want the familiar to change. Change is hard. Letting go is hard.

I know letting go isn’t always such a bad idea. In life, you gotta let go of the past to move forward, right?

Even as I have been evaluating what may happen later half of this year, and what possibilities lay ahead in 2012, one thing that holds me back is fear. It’s really hard for me to imagine what it will be like, and I’m afraid of what it will all mean for the longer term. But…

“You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.” – Christopher Columbus

I also keep thinking about when Peter walked on water in Matthew 14:25-33. He was probably really scared too, but he still took that step of faith out of the boat to walk with Jesus.

Perhaps I can take the step of faith out of the boat too? Ahh.. always learning this same lesson of trusting in the Lord.

And, in terms of my closet, there’s just no room to keep everything, so some things just have to goooo. Back to work!

Future & Uncertainties

It has been awhile since I last blogged, but, I still want to wait until I have everything figured out first …

This is so my heart. I hate uncertainties. I like them only enough to feel like I am growing in faith and that I trust God more with my life. But in reality, I am still a control-freak and I hate uncertainies. Oh, did I already say that?

As I am evaluating what may happen later half of this year, and what possibilies lay ahead in 2012, I am really nervous, because it’s really hard for me to imagine what it will be like.

In the bigger picture, I do trust God with my future, and I really do believe that God is sovereign and has it under control. I am certain that when I look back in a few years, I will find God to have been faithful, as he always proves Himself to be.

But. And this is a big but. I am still scared.

I’m afraid of how things will unfold and how it will affect the different aspects of my life. It may be that I have stayed in the same location for awhile now, that change feels uncomfortable. I’m afraid things won’t turn out the way I imagine it.

I know it’s not realistic to expect life to always turn out how I imagine it. And in my life, it has rarely been the case, but it has always been for the better. It is so true when Proverbs 16:9 says, “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”

So logically speaking,

1. If God knows my heart better than myself

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.   – Psalm 139

2. If God loves me and wants the best for me

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

3. If God has the bigger and better perspective

^“The LORD reigns, he is robed in majesty;
the LORD is robed in majesty and armed with strength;
indeed, the world is established, firm and secure.” – Psalm 93:1

4. If God is sovereign and consistent above all else

“God is not a man, that he should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill?” – Numbers 23:19

I have no reason not to trust Him. So, why is it so hard to trust everything to God?

Well, rather than by these promises, I depend more on what my eyes can see or how I feel. This is obviously very limited and unstable.. -_-

2 Corinthians 5:7 says, “For we live by faith, not by sight.”

Ah, Lord, help me to have faith and hold on to your promises.

I think about when Peter walked on water in Matthew 14:25-33, I’m sure he was scared to death, but he still took the step of faith out of the boat.

Yes, I am scared.. and I can’t answer all of the questions that my parents are asking, but perhaps I can still take the step of faith out of the boat too? Ahh..

—

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” – Proverbs 3:5-6