Easter 2011

This is going to be a freeflowing stream of thoughts because I have too many thoughts and not enough time to sort them through!

I think Easter is replacing New Years to become my favorite holiday of the year. I hope I don’t sound like “ohh look at me, I’m so holy” because I hate that. I hate saying holy-sounding things at the chance of people thinking I’m holy when I know very well how far I am from that. I hate over-selling myself and then failing expectations. Anyway, we’ll get to that. New Years used to be my favorite holiday because it marks a new year of possibilities and adventures ahead, it gives me hope because I feel like it’s a clean slate. I can move forward from my previous year’s mistakes, regrets, and failures.

Easter is slowly replacing New Years because it is the day that truly marks my “clean slate”. At Sonrise service each year, I am reminded of the impossibility of Jesus resurrecting by any human understsanding, yet, he has risen. My sins no longer count against me, I am forgiven. These days, whenever I feel like the Gospel is so real to me, I always pause to think how I would explain this to my dad. He is so logic-based, and that’s not how I experience God, so it’s hard for me to communicate anything “legit” in his eyes. To him, God is an emotional escape for me, or a silly child’s belief (he compared it to Santa). -_- I realize I have very low credibility when it comes to explaining anything in a logical manner, but I know God is real in my heart and I have experienced him, so what else can I say?

I always leave Sonrise service blessed without words and this year it was no different. The last song we sang was “I Can Only Imagine”. It’s a song about heaven and what it might look like. No one really knows, so we can only try to imagine it in our limited brain capacity. As I was singing, I was telling God that it was so cool to worship with so many people as the sun is coming up, lighting up what used to be night. The whole imagery is just perfect. And a thought flew through my mind of what it might be like to actually worship in heaven. IT WAS INTENSE. Then I saw my dad, there. And I started crying, maybe out of hope that he will be saved, and maybe out of desperation of wanting him to be saved. It gave me the chills. God is reminding me that HE IS WORKING and only in HIS timing, things will unravel. I trusted him and I worshiped silently.

At the 12:30pm Baptism service, it is always a special blessing because it brings me back to when I was baptized there in 2008 on Easter Sunday. It’s kind of crazy to think that each time I am back there, another year has gone by. As I listened to the baptism testimonies, I was overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness in these people’s lives, and again, I was reminded of his faithfulness in my life. Has it really been 3 years? It’s hard to feel like I’m growing much day-to-day; I feel like I’m walking in place. When I look back to the person sitting there 3 years ago, I know I am different. It’s weird how that works right?!

One thing that I see God is showing me through this Easter weekend, serving through SMP, is how much my heart handicaps me from serving the Lord wholeheartedly. When my heart is really in the right place (like right after I encounter God in a crazy way at Sonrise), I have no fear and people don’t phase me. But as the day goes on, my perspective changes to what I see with my eyes – people’s reactions, facial expressions, body languages- and again I am consumed with my own failure layer “I can’t do this” mentality.

I was placed to serve the Pastors table for Easter Dinner. It’s really a great priviledge. But the thought that consumed my mind almost the entire time was, “omg I want to die”. I sound like Prophet Jonah haha. It’s not that I didn’t want to serve them, but I was so afraid, and so convinced, that I would fail and disappoint that I didn’t want to take on the responsibility. I survived, but again, I saw my heart. Ugh, I see that God is going to break this aspect of me through summer missions like whoa. As one of the older members on the team, there’s no way I can get away with it anymore.

This leads to the challenge. I see very clearly that as much as I want to go all out and just live a passionate life for Jesus, I don’t like putting myself out there. I hate being in front of people – whether it’s speaking, praying, leading, or even serving. I hate it because it’s hard, and because I am going to fail. So, in these previous years, I’ve been convinced that my gift is more of a “supportive role” than leading. I like being someone’s helper, the right hand man. This may still be true, but I see how much I have used this as an excuse to not step out in faith. It’s obviously easier to be a follower than a leader, you serve as convenient and carry none of the responsibilities. If you are the leader, everything is always your fault.

So, the challenge has been given and the ball is in my court for a response. I don’t know. I want to grow, and I know it’ll be so great to finally break free of this stupid barrier to serve God. But in order to do that, I know it’ll probably be painful, and…I might fail. Is it worth it?

Worship

I’m trying to learn that it’s okay to not always have the “emotions” of worship. I don’t know why that’s a hard concept for me, but it’s always when I don’t “feel” it, that I start to doubt. If I am truly thankful for Jesus, if I am truly moved by the story of the Cross, why are my emotions so…leveled?

What is worship? Can it be worship if I’m not shedding tears? How can I tell the difference between worship without the feelings, and just having a calloused heart??

It has been helpful to remember that not having the feelings doesn’t equate to not believing, or that the Truth is any less real. Thinking of testimonies of answered prayers and God’s grace in my life, and I am reminded that God is faithful. God is good. God is working in mysterious and miraculous ways. God is love. God is beyond what I can comprehend. God is worthy of my praise. Trying to use my brain muscles instead of fully depending on the highly emotional moments.

Last night, P.Min said to always ask ourselves this: Do I really love Jesus, now?

Maybe this is what it all comes down to, feelings or not.

It’s Good Friday!

Update.

My short-term future plans are finally confirmed. Ah!

Summer 2011: Summer Missions Program in Ethiopia (6/21 – 7/21)

Fall 2011: not going to Beijing, staying in Champaign for another year.

April has been a crazy difficult month for me, but with the way everything unraveled, I am amazed and thankful at God’s timing. I’m especially thankful because my dad is finally okay and supportive of my trip to Africa now. ALL in God’s timing. God is good.

Here’s my support letter:

The past two years after graduating from the University of Illinois, I have remained on campus to work full-time in market research, while continuing to serve at my local church, Covenant Fellowship Church (CFC). When I look back on my time in Champaign, I see God has been stretching my faith one small step at a time, and I am amazed at the work that He has done in my heart and in my life.

When I studied abroad in the summer of my senior year, I went to experience a different culture and to travel. Grateful for the generosity of the French natives willing to practice their language with me, I became a conversation partner for the international students on campus the following semester. While I had signed up as a means to “give back”, God used it to expand my heart for international friends who did not yet know Christ. When my grandfather passed away around the same time, I deeply regretted never sharing the Gospel with him and God placed in me an urgency to share with others while there was still time. This year, I have been privileged to help lead an investigative Bible study group of international students. I have been challenged to examine God and faith through new perspectives; this has had tremendous impact in my personal understanding of the Gospel, as well as my ministry with my non-believing family.

This summer, God has given me the opportunity to train through a summer missions trip to Africa. Our team will depart on June 21 and return on July 21. During this time, we will work closely with a host missionary in serving the local churches through various ministries, such as house-to-house evangelism, vacation Bible school, discipleship training, and open-air evangelistic meetings. A part of our ministry will also be devoted to taking care of the many orphaned children whose parents have fallen victim to the AIDS crisis in Africa.

I am excited to see what God has in store through this trip, and I would like to ask for your valuable partnership. I will need to raise $3,500 by June 5 to cover the expenses of the trip. While I would be extremely grateful for any financial donations, I desire your spiritual support so much more. Our team will need prayers for spiritual protection, physical and emotional health, and the various ministries we will be participating in. With your support, I hope to encounter God in an authentic way and bring home testimonies of God’s heart and His faithful work abroad. Thank you so much!

So thankful! Here we go!

Something New

I’m inspired by Dan (leedotcom)’s QT posts and how there is a progression of yearning for the Lord. I will be posting my QT’s here too; in a way, to keep myself more accountable. For the most part, I’ll post it private since it’s just for myself, but it’ll be helpful because it’s still categorized on the right (yay organization!). I realize I am still such a baby in terms of keeping this most basic Christian discipline – spending time with the Lord each day. There are still days that I don’t read the Bible at all.

My dad has been a huge pain in the butt in terms of not being accepting of my level of involvement with Christianity/church. I feel misunderstood and frustrated. At the same time, he does have some validity in showing that I do not know many things, at least on a logical/rational level. I rely too much on what I have been taught - which is great, but I want to spend more time with the Word of God. I guess I can see how my testimony of answered prayers and experiencing God can come off as “laughable”. I know in my heart that it’s real, but I do admit this is an area I should work on.

I have been trying to go through the Book of Daniel in my QTs for a long time now, but I am still not through. So, I will pick it up at Chapter 7. Here we go!

Decisions

Man, what happened.

I am so torn. How to make decisions? I’m realizing that you can ask advice from many people, but ultimately you have to make life decisions based on conviction. People will give you their thoughts & perspective, offer you insights you didn’t think of, but no one can make the decision for you.

We have to own up to our decisions. I have to take responsibility for the decision that I make. I need to take everything into consideration, from the small to the big, and do my best to decide, and trust that God is with me, and will take care of me. I have to have peace about the decision that I make. God is teaching me, again, how to be a better decision maker.

I need wisdom and faith.. please pray for me!