Easter 2011

This is going to be a freeflowing stream of thoughts because I have too many thoughts and not enough time to sort them through!

I think Easter is replacing New Years to become my favorite holiday of the year. I hope I don’t sound like “ohh look at me, I’m so holy” because I hate that. I hate saying holy-sounding things at the chance of people thinking I’m holy when I know very well how far I am from that. I hate over-selling myself and then failing expectations. Anyway, we’ll get to that. New Years used to be my favorite holiday because it marks a new year of possibilities and adventures ahead, it gives me hope because I feel like it’s a clean slate. I can move forward from my previous year’s mistakes, regrets, and failures.

Easter is slowly replacing New Years because it is the day that truly marks my “clean slate”. At Sonrise service each year, I am reminded of the impossibility of Jesus resurrecting by any human understsanding, yet, he has risen. My sins no longer count against me, I am forgiven. These days, whenever I feel like the Gospel is so real to me, I always pause to think how I would explain this to my dad. He is so logic-based, and that’s not how I experience God, so it’s hard for me to communicate anything “legit” in his eyes. To him, God is an emotional escape for me, or a silly child’s belief (he compared it to Santa). -_- I realize I have very low credibility when it comes to explaining anything in a logical manner, but I know God is real in my heart and I have experienced him, so what else can I say?

I always leave Sonrise service blessed without words and this year it was no different. The last song we sang was “I Can Only Imagine”. It’s a song about heaven and what it might look like. No one really knows, so we can only try to imagine it in our limited brain capacity. As I was singing, I was telling God that it was so cool to worship with so many people as the sun is coming up, lighting up what used to be night. The whole imagery is just perfect. And a thought flew through my mind of what it might be like to actually worship in heaven. IT WAS INTENSE. Then I saw my dad, there. And I started crying, maybe out of hope that he will be saved, and maybe out of desperation of wanting him to be saved. It gave me the chills. God is reminding me that HE IS WORKING and only in HIS timing, things will unravel. I trusted him and I worshiped silently.

At the 12:30pm Baptism service, it is always a special blessing because it brings me back to when I was baptized there in 2008 on Easter Sunday. It’s kind of crazy to think that each time I am back there, another year has gone by. As I listened to the baptism testimonies, I was overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness in these people’s lives, and again, I was reminded of his faithfulness in my life. Has it really been 3 years? It’s hard to feel like I’m growing much day-to-day; I feel like I’m walking in place. When I look back to the person sitting there 3 years ago, I know I am different. It’s weird how that works right?!

One thing that I see God is showing me through this Easter weekend, serving through SMP, is how much my heart handicaps me from serving the Lord wholeheartedly. When my heart is really in the right place (like right after I encounter God in a crazy way at Sonrise), I have no fear and people don’t phase me. But as the day goes on, my perspective changes to what I see with my eyes – people’s reactions, facial expressions, body languages- and again I am consumed with my own failure layer “I can’t do this” mentality.

I was placed to serve the Pastors table for Easter Dinner. It’s really a great priviledge. But the thought that consumed my mind almost the entire time was, “omg I want to die”. I sound like Prophet Jonah haha. It’s not that I didn’t want to serve them, but I was so afraid, and so convinced, that I would fail and disappoint that I didn’t want to take on the responsibility. I survived, but again, I saw my heart. Ugh, I see that God is going to break this aspect of me through summer missions like whoa. As one of the older members on the team, there’s no way I can get away with it anymore.

This leads to the challenge. I see very clearly that as much as I want to go all out and just live a passionate life for Jesus, I don’t like putting myself out there. I hate being in front of people – whether it’s speaking, praying, leading, or even serving. I hate it because it’s hard, and because I am going to fail. So, in these previous years, I’ve been convinced that my gift is more of a “supportive role” than leading. I like being someone’s helper, the right hand man. This may still be true, but I see how much I have used this as an excuse to not step out in faith. It’s obviously easier to be a follower than a leader, you serve as convenient and carry none of the responsibilities. If you are the leader, everything is always your fault.

So, the challenge has been given and the ball is in my court for a response. I don’t know. I want to grow, and I know it’ll be so great to finally break free of this stupid barrier to serve God. But in order to do that, I know it’ll probably be painful, and…I might fail. Is it worth it?

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