Intensive Training – Day 2

I distinctly remember feeling really uncertain because I had no idea how “intensive” intensive training will be and I wondered if I would survive.

I still have one more week of work left so I have only been going after work – from 6:30pm to around 10:30pm. It hasn’t been bad, but I also haven’t been participating for the majority of the day..so what do I know, right?

I just have to say. I really like my team. I really like the people on my team, really like the dynamic of all of us. I’m so thankful because they really inspire me to be the best that I can be. I love that we are goofy, but at the same time, really love God. Makes me happy =)

I’m thankful because I think I wrote “team dynamic” as a prayer request on just about every prayer card I sent out.

I also really like body worship. Wow. I love it!!!! It’s wonderful how you can say and express so much without words. And I really love how the song lyrics mean so much much more to me as I’m doing relevant motions. I guess that makes me a visual learner. Ha. But really, I love it. I think it’s easier to memorize the lyrics too.

Speaking of which, since February, we have been memorizing 2 verses each week and getting tested on them. Apparently now we are supposed to memorize 1 new verse a day. HOLY MOLY!!!! I’m wondering if there’s a way to add motions to verses too, because I suck at memorizing things. But I am really thankful because I bought a verse packet 2 years ago, wanting to memorize them, but never really followed through on that. Now, I am forced to!!! YAY

Which reminds me of another thing I will be forced to do: get in shape. Wow. I have been running around a mile a day this week, just to prep myself for the hardcore exercises when I join the team in the mornings next week. I suck at pushing myself. I have no mental strength it seems. And I lack discipline. So, I’m really glad that SMP is probably going to kick my butt in terms of pushing my limit physically.

So far, I love it. Intensive training has been pushing me to do everything I have been wanting to do but haven’t had the self-discipline to do.

I also see clearly that I need to really learn to get over myself in order to grow. Just be yourself, who cares. I don’t know why I am so self-conscious all the time. It’s good to be aware of your context, but man, I’m seeing how being so insecure and self-conscious is just another form of self-obsession. Get over it already!! Who cares if your legs are a little bigger than you would like and you’ve been getting fat and are terribly out of shape. I bet you no one is really paying attention to me in the first place! So calm down and stop it.

I’m starting to get excited for Africa! Well, maybe not Africa yet, but..definitely excited for this next month of intensive!!

One prayer request is to give all of myself. It’s going to be over before I know it, so savor every moment, especially the hard ones, and give it all you’ve got. AHHH.

3 days til last day of work!
27 days til we leave for Ethiopia!!

Words

I am more and more convinced that I need to improve my communication skills.

Most importantly, I need to somehow organize my thoughts in a more logical and succinctly way. I can’t just spit out spiderwebs of thoughts and hope that people somehow make sense of it.

If I don’t clearly express myself, how do I expect to be understood well? Or at all?

Wrap Up.

It is done. Yesterday, I told my manager about resigning at the end of May. My main fear for the confrontation was not ending on good terms, but I’m thankful that both she and the director were understanding.

Huge weight off my shoulders. I have been so distracted by all these things popping up, hopefully now I can really start to focus and store up prayers for Ethiopia!

Things I learned in the past month and half.

1. Life is full of difficult decisions. At work, at home, and internally too.

2. It’s about how you present it. Say it one way, and you sound like you’re getting fired for a short-term interest with no plans for the future. Say it another, and you are being proactive & in control of your direction in life, looking at a world of possibilities. lol

3. Pray for a heart of peace. It’s hard to discern what God wants sometimes, or to even make decisions strictly based on logic. Having peace in my decision was the best way to not be overcome with “what if I’m wrong” thoughts. No regrets!!

4. I need more faith and more wisdom. Something I have been praying for a lot lately, because I think there’s a thin line between “taking the step of faith” and “being stupid and reckless”. What do you do when there is no simple right answer? Lord, I have no idea.. where can I buy some of that wisdom eh?

but as I continue to learn, God is so GOOD!!!

17 days until my last day of work!
41 days until I leave for Ethiopia!

I am the Problem.

Wow, very thankful for the support guys.

So, after work yesterday, I took a deep breath and called first my mom, and then my dad, to let them know of my decision to quit my job. I emphasized the fact I still wanted to visit Beijing for a little bit in the Fall, and then “start a new chapter of my life” when I come back. Shockingly (to me), they were both okay with it. (WHAT?!)

And now, now I’m getting cold feet to actually follow through and quit. I see how even though this had been what I thought I wanted – to quit job, go on SMP, peace out from Champaign and start new phase of my life – I am scared. Is my security really in God? Do I really believe that HE WILL PROVIDE? All this time, I thought I did..

How easily did I mask my faith behind my awesome Beijing plans, and hide my doubts in my parents’ lack of approval. And now, nothing really stands in my way, except myself. Why is it so important that I know the unknown? Can I not trust the God who already knows the future? I see at the core of it all, I continue to struggle to believe that God really loves me and cares for me. WHY! It’s so frustrating that I would doubt WHILE God is proving himself over and over again, and again, and again.

I’m sorry. My heart’s not right.

Change my heart O God
Make it ever true
Change my heart O God
May I be like You

You are the potter
I am the clay
Mold me and make me
This is what I pray

Unpredictable.

The lyrics on my mind for the past 24 hours:

“Oh, no, You never let go,
through the calm and through the storm.
Oh, no, You never let go,
in every high and every low.
Oh, no, You never let go;
Lord, You never let go of me.”

I found out yesterday, mainly due to our team reporting to a different director now, that if I choose to use personal leave for my SMP Africa trip, I will probably be losing my job. The previous VP had thought it should be looked at no different than people taking maternity leave, but the previous VP is no longer with the company. The new director says it would set a bad precedence, for people to leave for any reason. I understand; it makes sense.

I’m okay with losing my job, actually; I’m ready to start a new chapter of my life and explore the possibilities. But, still, losing the security of steady income, while having just signed my lease next year to stay in Champaign, makes me slightly uneasy. I know that it’s going to be fine. My biggest worry right now is that my parents will misunderstand this. I don’t want them to interpret it as me choosing missions over responsibilities (job). This is not true, but I have committed to the team and they have already bought the ticket. I have to believe that this is all within God’s hand, too.

It has been my original desire to be able to train with the team full-time during intensive, and also, to be able to visit my grandmother in Beijing sometime in the fall. Now, it looks like I actually will be able to do both! =) Answered prayers, for sure. But as I am working out my budget for the fall, I realize I will have no choice but to dip into my savings. Why does this hurt? I can’t help it but see the security of a padded savings account gives me. Is God trying to take this away too? I hope I’m not a money-hogger, because, money is meant to be used, right? So, it makes sense that I’d eventually use it, right?

How long will it be until I find my next job? What will my next year look like? Gosh, my life has been changing way too fast since April. I thought May was going to be less dramatic, but nope, life stays unpredictable!

Praying…and please pray for me!