What am I writing about??

I don’t know if you have noticed, but I have been sharing less personally on this blog. And I talk like I’m talking to someone, even though I don’t know if anyone is actually reading this, lol!

I think the reason for less of my usual word vomits is because I have started a private blog for that, where I literally word vomit my thoughts, emotions, plans, and categorize them neatly. Gosh I love blogs. So easy to keep my flying thoughts organized. :) This is helping me to sort through my thought processes, and hopefully it will help me to get to the heart of my issues. I realized that when blogging publicly, even if no one is looking, it’s hard to be flat-out, completely honest and opinionated without worrying about offending/hurting people. Ultimately, it’s more my intention to talk about ISSUES rather than specific people, anyway. And I think I’ve been pretty good about that – staying vague enough, but open enough to share the issue. However, I’ve decided that I need more than that to get to my heart and what is really going on in there – so, sorry, it’s all on my private one now.

I actually emailed a pastor to see if I could benefit from counseling. First of all, I’m okay – I’m not suicidal or anything like that. I just think I need someone  to help me sort out my feelings and thoughts. You know that feeling when things just don’t make sense? Sometimes I feel uncontrollably happy, or sad, or angry… and it just doesn’t make sense. Logically, my brain is working and telling me what I should say or how I should respond to a situation/circumstance, but it can never control how my heart is feeling inside. And I think that’s why sometimes I laugh and I cannot stop – and people think I’m crazy! And then other times tears come out and I don’t know how to stop! It’s a little crazy because I thought the roller-coaster hormonal teenage years were behind me (which reminds me, I didn’t suffer from acne attacks during my teenage years, but now it’s a HUGE battle for me it’s driving me insane!! Am I 10 years behind or something?!) If I base it on my emotions alone, I really think I am borderline bi-polar. But I don’t think I am. I think maybe I’m just really sensitive – where the smallest change in a normal day affects me to the extremes. Wait, is that bipolar?

Well anyway. During my Ethiopia trip, my leader kept talking to me about my pride – and how I like to keep things in, and that’s pride, because I’m still depending on myself. I’m still trying to do it on my own. He said he feels like I’ve been suppressing things my whole entire life that it has become my default, and I’ve never learned to really DEAL with things. I think that’s when I started really thinking about my life. Do I not remember things because I have a bad memory or did I somehow block it out? I don’t want to sound like I went through a traumatic childhood, because I really didn’t! I’m just saying, though, I want to come face to face with my problems – and.. the first step is to find it! I know it’s in my heart somewhere…but my mind is too strong that it confuses deceives even myself.

So, what am I going to talk about on this blog?? I don’t know. I’m just going to go with the flow, and talk about whatever when I have an urge to write. I really love this blogger – she’s a stay-at-home mom who blogs about everything ranging from her crafts, photography, her kids, and just life in general. I especially love this particular post. I totally agree. As much as I love the targeted niche blogs (ie. personal finance, humor, organization, design), I think I love personal blogs so much more. This blog isn’t about anything in particular, but it is about everything interesting/important to me. It’s not an excuse to be self-absorbed, but personal blogs allow the readers to get a feel for who the blogger is and what she is about. I love that. Maybe it’s my sociologist/social psychologist brain speaking, but I really love learning about other people’s stories. :D We ALL have a voice – and the blogging community is a great platform, why not talk about what is important to you!

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