Rewind.

Browsing through my old blog, and.. I used to have a much purer desperation to run after God. Heart, don’t become jaded! Maturity doesn’t have to come at the expense of losing youth, does it??? I really hope not. God has definitely been refining me since 2009. Yay progression makes me happy :)

1. wanting to fight.

2. through internal battles.

3. joy of seeing God rock my world. (when I first started to lead small group.)

4. this made me smile, lol

5. chewing on character. wanting the Word.

6. …though I still hope I don’t stay here for 20 years!! -_-

Jesus I am thirsty..won’t you come and fill me. Earthly things have left me dry..only you can satisfy. All I want is moooooore of youuuu.

Understood.

Hm, so I’m starting to consider possibly sharing my blog with my parents and maybe even my family in China.

When I started blogging in 9th grade(?), it was just an escape and dump of all that I was feeling and thinking. I would have never thought to allow my parents to read it. It was fine for my friends to read, because, well, they understood me. They were on my side.

I’m seeing that my relationship with my family has been very filtered. So in some sense, I can’t blame them for not “understanding” me. At the same time, that’s my biggest complaint in my heart. I don’t feel like I can be completely me and still be accepted. But I’m realizing, well, I’ve never tried either.

Maybe parents are always telling me what to do or what I should do, because they want to be more involved in my life, and that’s the only way they know how. Maybe they don’t like it that I’m growing independently and not really needing them. Maybe if I let them in on what I am thinking day to day, I’ll become more human to them. Maybe then I’ll be understood. Maybe they will still love me, too?

It’s a hard step to take, because I’m not even sure I’m completely comfortable with who I am yet. I feel like I JUST started this journey to “discovering myself”. In some sense, it’s really scary, because, obviously I’m not perfect. But, in another sense, it has been quite FREEING. I’ve been praying for more thick skin – so that I wouldn’t be so caught up with what people think of me, or what they think of my weaknesses, learning to not take myself so seriously, etc. It’s been an interesting process to recognize things like – “this is me, this is how God created me, embrace this” vs “this is sin, this is selfishness, this is not going to end well..fight this”.

I know it’s a journey, and I need to learn to enjoy the process. So, maybe I should let my family and friends in on the journey? Maybe it’ll be a good way to keep in touch with them too. Thoughts?

Tigger, Stop it.

AHHHHHHHHHH.

OKAY.

I am such a Tigger-personality when I’m excited, that I really don’t know how to control my feelings/emotions to just sit and be silent for awhile. I think God has been putting me through this ultimate mundane black hole to teach me faithfulness where there is no excitement. I feel like I am slowly turning into Eeyore. Now my response to things can become quite dull and lethargic.

“Hi Fei!!!!” “Hi…..”

In 2008, I wrote an entry about patience and even though the topic I was referring to has actually already come and gone, I see more and more that maybe I still have not learned the lesson. :(

I admit that I have started to become antsy again in my position. It has only been 6 months since I came back from Ethiopia, and 3 months since I started working at my old job, but the feeling of “whyyyyyy am I hereeeeee” has started to work its way into my heart.

Before I came back to my old job, I applied to 2 coffee shops in town – with the logic “why not now!” – to pursue my desire to be a barista :) I didn’t get the job with either one. :(

Then more recently in December, in an impulsive act to “do something about it”, I walked across the street to the town library and asked if I could volunteer at the coffee shop there sometimes – “I’ve always wanted to learn to make coffee!”. I started thinking and daydreaming about my new adventure as a barista – even if 1 hour a week, I think I would have done it. It’d be something new, and something that fed my heart.

After a month of waiting, the lady emailed me saying that the library actually has strict policies for volunteers and that I will not be able to volunteer at the coffeeshop (but perhaps if I wanted shelf books).

God keeps on closing doors on my barista dream.. poo.

At the retreat this past weekend, I really felt like God is convicting me to sit, be silent, and pray about the future. That’s it. No planning, no doing, no volunteering, nothing else except praying. And I think, in many ways, I hate it. I would much rather be doing something that has more tangible results, something I can track progress. But yes, I understand… I need to wait upon His calling and His timing.

And then today. I came across a blog featuring someone who is about to go overseas to the country I want to go to, to do what I had a vision for, for a cause that I would love to support! My heart is beating so fast and I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

But. Tigger. has to learn this lesson of patience. of timing. of trusting in the Lord. of obedience. of faithfulness in where I am currently. and just. pray.

Goal Setting

You know how with goal setting, people always say to “see where you’d like to end up” so you can build the roadmap to get there?

Yea I pray for my future and I think about it, but what I’ve never really done is to imagine my life in 25 years.

Did you know that I will be 50 years old in 25 years?!

The only thing going through my mind is O.O (speechless & in shock stare).. I can’t even imagine what that might feel like. 

Do you think I’ll even still be alive?

Awesome. I’m clearly on my way to goal setting…

Longterm vision needed, like whoa!!!