Reflection: Back in 2008

Yes, it’s one of those entries.

Once in awhile, due to a fork in the road or pending uncertainties or just good old nostalgia, I start going through my old journals to read through and re-learn the lessons I had jotted down.

While reading, I often think to myself, “wow, did I really write this?” Some of it is plain ridiculous and stupid, others insightful, and sometimes I come across precious prayers that remind me of how I ought to be praying. Especially since I’m all about “growing” and “seeing progress”, I have to say it’s hard to face the fact that I’m not as hungry as I had been in 2008. Owned by my younger self.

It was my first semester as a co-servant. At the time, this title meant a new step in my Christian walk. I had just been baptized that Easter, I had just come back from an amazing time in France, I was finishing up my supposedly last semester in Champaign and I wanted to go all out. Though wrestling with personal insecurities and future question marks, I really grew a lot. This is the girl that never wanted to pray out-loud at the fear of sounding stupid.

9.14.2008 – conviction – spiritual confusion can only be conquered through obedience. When our heart’s not right with God, our perspective is tainted and we may desire/want things we shouldn’t want. It’s important to keep obeying God’s words and stay in His presence so we don’t become “wise” with our own reasoning.

9.23.2008 – prayer – “…won’t you guard my stupid heart from the shiny & bling things of this world…”

9.29.2008 – thoughts – I haven’t been getting any interviews at all.. I’m starting to worry about my job searching methods. Where should I go next semester? Should I stay? Missions? What is my calling? I’m so stressed at thinking that I’d stay for the wrong reasons.

9.30.2008 – thoughts – Dude I got a J&J interview this morning. Thankful for the opportunity and I’m going to do my best to prepare for it. But I feel like God’s testing me to see if I’d really follow Him over what’s logical and what sounds good. I need to continue to pray to surrender my heart & to be open to whatever He has in store for me.

10.7.2008 – conviction – Dude it was crazy b/c from simple Facebook wall messages, Duncan reminded me that God is in control. .. I guess I should start looking for a full-time job here and see what happens. Also, Erik was driving me home and he kind of rebuked me. 1) if I know I’d grow spiritually here, and that I’m not ready to leave, I should stay even if it means I’d be here for a couple of years and I don’t want that. 2) In the end, it’s not about the job that we get/ don’t get, God only wants us to love him, that will be the only thing that matters after we die. 3) Even though friends/family may not understand, our unwavering faith & convictions can be used as a testimony. 4) Basically I shouldn’t run away..

10.18.2008 – prayer – …pray for my eyes to be on Jesus and not to be locked in by barriers that I set for myself.

11.5.2008 – conviction – I just finished reading Exodus- and with Exodus 40:36-37; I really feel like I shouldn’t be too eager to leave CU b/c of my selfish reasons. I will follow God’s cloud – so unless I have a calling to leave, I will stay.

11.11.2008 – Dating Seminar notes – preparation stage.. 4) Financial Stability: well I don’t have a job, but I do have a super expense sheet =)

(haha this made me laugh)

11.16.2008 – DO I REALLY BELIEVE IN GOD’S SOVEREIGNTY?

11.26.2008 – thoughts – Without a solid offer from Starcom, my mom really wants me to go home because she doesn’t understand why I would stay. I tried to explain growing spiritually, but she thinks I’m being brainwashed by the church. She’s really frustrated with my outlook on life, she thinks it’s idealistic, naive, and irresponsible, because my involvement with church can’t be #1, because the church is not going to give me a job.

John 1:3-5; Do you ever feel that your life is too complex? Remember that God created the entire universe, nothing is too difficult for Him. He is alive today and his love is bigger than the problems you may face.

11.30.2008 – Ah! I’m really thankful how the apartment situation worked out, it’s just a testament to how God can orchestrate everything. It’s really disappointing that even so, EVEN SO, it’s hard for me to give up things like job security & career advancement.

Cassie’s right, if God wanted to give me a job, he would. Even though in my noncommitted way, I said I’m staying 3 months, my heart’s more soft now, I don’t mind staying until August if I had to. Karen also said I can stay with her in April if I need to. So thankful.

12.2.2008 – thoughts – Wow, so after this morning’s devo, I really feel like God’s saying to trust Him, to just trust that He’ll provide. I prayed that I’d learn to let go and focus on trusting God. I prayed for my mom’s heart and for me to hold on to my lessons and to have the words that make sense. It’s really hard to communicate about God in Chinese because I’ve learned everything in English, sigh.

My mom called & I called her back. I told her I want to stay longer but I signed a 3 month lease because it’d be less commitment. She said I’d have more opportunities there at home and she didn’t pay for my tuition to become a bum. She wants me to get a good job. I think it helped that rather than just saying I should stay, I told her how I want a job in NY and live in a nice apartment too, but I think it’s more important to have my spiritual life set first, because even if I had a job otherwise, I wouldn’t be happy. I told her that I feel like God really wants me to make a choice between what I want & obeying Him and if He will give me a job, he will always be able to give me a job. Surprisingly she said she wants to see what will happen and that I can stay for now, but we’ll talk later. WOW.

12.3.2008 – thoughts – I feel so alone these days, like no one can understand me or willing to understand me. Like after deciding to stay, I feel like… launched into space, into the darkness, with no support. or direction. Maybe God’s continuing stripping away of things so that I’d trust Him alone. GAHHHH I feel like my heart can explode sometimes & I don’t even know why I’m so overwhelmed.

12.5.2008 – Lock-In – Man, I’m suddenly really at peace now, in one of the songs during Farewell Service, the lyrics said,

“No Power of Hell, No Scheme of Man, Can Ever Pluck Me From Your Hands.” He has my future, my life, my destiny!

Also, the message at Lock-In was about loyalty to God & Pastor Min asked many questions for leaders & followers – like, can you lead the Word of God? Can you pray? Can you pray for people? Can you counsel people? Can you present the Gospel? Can you correct others? Are you trained to think Biblically? Man, I really feel like I still have much training to get here at CFC, I really want to stay for another year…another year to serve in SG & CRH & getting trained to lead, to follow, to pray, to think, etc. Like my previous conviction to stay until I have a clear conviction to leave, I’m so happy b/c I feel like I finally have a purpose to stay, a personal invite from God & not just something that people say. I’m committing to follow & remain in Champaign, to get trained as much as possible to be a leader that knows how to love. I want to commit to May 2010. That’s 1.5 years from now.

—- So, hindsight is always 20/20. It is now June 2010 and this is exactly what happened. I did stay end up staying, I did get a job offer, I did get trained, but my heart still wanders with new distractions and new worries. The moral of this story: God is faithful. He is still Faithful.

Pay It Forward

True story.

Today, my friend and I went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant to catch up. At the end of the meal, the waiter comes over and tells us our bill has been paid for us.

“…by who?”

“God.”

“Um… what?”

We couldn’t figure out if he was playing with us, but he was dead serious! He went on to cater to some other customers and then came back, “do you still not know who?”

“No…”

“The couple that was sitting next to you guys before, you guys didn’t know each other?”

We paused and tried to think who sat next to us, but a vague sketch of a couple in 30′s or 40′s was the best we could do. “No, we didn’t know them.”

“Well, I guess it’s your lucky day, free dinner.”

He walked away. As we were walking out of the restaurant, we decided to pass on this unexpected blessing. We walked up to the counter and paid for another table’s bill.

The lady at the counter was so puzzled, she asked, “why are you guys all doing this? Is this a religious thing you have to do today?”

“Oh no, it was just a nice thing they did for us, so we want to pass it on too!”

At that point, the waiter joined the lady at the counter and joked, “I will make sure to sit next to you guys next time.”

The lady responded, “I wonder what this next table will do.”

Me too. But I hope they were blessed out of their socks. =)

The blessed passing on the blessing. AMEN.