Remember..

To not be consumed with my opinions of myself,

what other people think of me,

and what I think other people may be thinking of me.

To see myself how God sees me.

Accept myself for how God has created me.

Find freedom in all that is in Christ.

—–

Dearest Fei,

Aren’t you tired of always trying to meet other people’s expectations? Why are you wasting time pretending to be what you think others would like you to be? People are fickle; and just like you, they will always change their minds. If you’re living to please others, you will always fail … and be miserable. Why are you living for their eyes in the first place?

Aren’t you tired of being safe? Why are you trying to never make mistakes when you are internally flawed? Why avoid putting yourself out there because you’d rather pretend to be perfect? Don’t avoid life – grow through your mistakes, weaknesses; laugh at your foolish moments, who the freak cares.

Surround yourself with people who can bring out the best in you. Don’t lose touch with your beautiful soul.

Life is too short. Love God. Live freely. Do your best. Read the Word and remember GRACE.

Ephesians 2:8-9.

Clarity.

[this is a private entry that I am making public - 11/3/2010]

It was one of those moments when things fell into place and my life, for a second, just made sense.

It was at large group yesterday. The passage was Ephesians 5:15-21, and Pastor Min was talking about worship.

None of this is new, really, but when I take a step back to see God’s hand sovereignly (gently, but so firmly) guiding my every step, I have no fear surrendering my future to Him.

It occurred to me that God hasn’t brought me to U of I or CFC by accident; it had been His will to train me here all along. As much as I complain about the Midwest, I have learned much and grown much. This has been (and continues to be) my incubation period.

This was a place where I felt most left out. Perhaps it was because I didn’t live in the “right” dorm, or I had started a relationship too early in college, or I was hard to get to know, or this was simply all in my head, but I felt the feelings I felt. I felt left out. There is a difference between people being nice, and people wanting to be your friend. It doesn’t matter, really, why I felt this – but I think I have a special compassion for those who may be easily overlooked. I like reaching out to them, because I was there, too. I like seeing and pushing for the potential in them.

This is a place I felt misunderstood. This is partially because I don’t even understand myself, but I never seemed to do the right thing at the appropriate time. It was always a little “off”. God continues to tug at my heart and ask me why I am so affected by people’s lack of approval or acceptance. Is it enough that my heart is pleasing to God?

This is a place where I didn’t get what I want. God has been refining me through the strangest things. In the areas where I thought I had something to offer, God never let me serve in those ways. But somehow I got involved with Book Table, Typing & Editing, Publications – cultivating in me the importance and power of words. Really, how did I end up in these ministries as someone who can’t think/speak coherently?

During my study abroad in the summer, I appreciated the locals taking time to have conversations with silly American students. When I came back, I joined ISC wanting to “give back”. I wouldn’t have thought that it would become my main ministry to use language and culture to build relationships. That summer was also when my grandfather’s death jerked the urgency in my heart for my family – especially my extended family in China. Who could have planned all this?

This is a place I am continually humbled. When I become proud with my abilities, God shows me that it is not about my abilities. He shows me this very same thing when I feel the most inadequate and lacking. He continues to remind me that this is not about me. He is ABLE and I get to come along for the ride.

It’s freeing to know that God has orchestrated all of this – despite my self-seeking and self-protecting heart. He uses my rebellious heart to reach other rebellious hearts. He uses my past mistakes to pour grace onto those in similar situations. He continues to teach me about a Love that is the most patient and kind. One that is full of mercy, grace, and wisdom.

It’s easy to be identified by one of the many labels that this world gives to me, but my identity should already be secure in Jesus Christ. This year, I’m learning to preach the Gospel story to myself. As I do so, I hope to live it out.

I’ve always been a “good” and “nice” person, but I’m seeing that is one of the bigger hindrances in my heart. I must not just be a nice person doing nice things, I need to learn the heart of worship. Pastor Min said something profound yesterday: only by being filled with Holy Spirit, will performance become worship. My life needs to point more to the love of God for us. If it’s simply about me doing well and being the best, that’s performance. It can be enjoyed, appreciated, but won’t point people to God. May I learn that this year.

Why Legalism Doesn’t Work.

Rise from 3 hours of sleep. Doctor’s appointment – find out I am healthy and normal, and most people don’t have breast cancer until 40. Get 2 shots – one for tetanus and one for lab work. Feeling bloated from my monthly friendly visitor. At work, monthly reports are due today, but I also have another project to work on. Why doesn’t Excel listen to me.

5:20pm. Finally send out monthly reports. Stay later to work on the project. Another set of reports are due in 2 days, I don’t actually have time for this project. July is going to be a crazy month. My eyes are twitching. Is this really what I am called to do for the rest of my life? Stare at a computer screen and ruin my eyes for “reports” that end up in the recycling bin? 6:45pm. Text Elana to let her know I will be late for Small Group. 7:15pm. I feel stupid, under-appreciated, insignificant. 1 missed call from mom. Time to leave. Grab Jimmy Johns on the way. Call mom back, but I have a headache and can’t really sort through the mumblejumbles.

Skipping small group does not cross my mind. I am on auto-cruise, I have no time to rest, to destress, to run or to pray.

My heart is only half here. I share something about my Christian walk being bipolar. I want to either eat ice cream or sleep until I never have to wake up again. People are sharing about being God’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10). I am uncomfortable.

Conclusion:

MAKE the decisions, don’t let the decision make itself.

And if you are gonna go to small group, go with a good attitude. No one appreciates or needs your half-hearted presence, and you end up going home miserable too.

Since when did it become a law for me to go to every small group?

Ephesians 2:1-2 from today’s Bible study caught my eye.

“1 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience-”

the word is “following”.

The “before” (you were) is described with “following”, I get the sense of just going along with the flow.

Am I even in control of my decisions? If no, am I not just “following” mindlessly too?

Rough day today. New day tomorrow, please come slowly.