New Yorker Face. Beyonce Attitude. Jesus Love.

Sometimes I go through phases where I feel so empty and hopeless I just want to curl up and disappear. I don’t feel God near. I feel anti-social. I do not want to see anyone because I feel convinced that no one really cares, humanity is doomed and everything is dumb. I know it’s a train of thought that leads to nowhere worthwhile, but I remain seated while heading steadily towards despair, self-pity, and non-productivity. Most of the time, the train also passes through the stops of resentment and angry declarations of hatred.

On this train, I harden my heart, close my eyes, and sometimes I wake up with the New Yorker Face. Here, I am tough. I am thug. At least I think that’s what those words mean. I put on my ‘I dare you to mess with me’ face, and then walk around like a time-bomb. I am a wounded lion who is not afraid to stir up trouble and give people a piece of my mind.

On better days, I wake up with the Beyonce attitude, because tough people are confident. I am self-sufficient. I don’t need anybody, because I am awesome all by myself. Even if I feel anything but those things, I convince myself that nothing can stand in the way of some girl-power or can-do attitude. The rest of the world believes this, why can’t I.

This world is a cold place and it is the survival of the fittest. or, the strongest. No time to be a baby.


Last weekend, God used quite a few people to show me love that I am baffled to receive. They didn’t have to, at all.

i’m thankful. so thankful. undeserving, overwhelmed, full. then overflowing. they probably don’t even know, but God placed all of them in my life in a very timely way. there came a bit of humility. and then a desire to love others, again. to stop looking at myself, but to look heavenward. this is not home yet. home will be lovely, but we are going to stay right here for a short while.

yes, here, in this mess of a place. because there are still many more who are hurting. who are lonely. who feel like outcasts. who are dying. who haven’t had a chance to have tasted this.


costly. free.

soft. yet, gives a strength that overcomes. empowers.

love is for the New Yorker Face and Beyonce Attitude too. sometimes, they are the ones who need it the most. they have forgotten what it feels like to be safe. to be accepted. to be free. to just receive.

love helps people to put down the shields they are so used to carrying. the masks they have convinced are their actual faces. if only they too could experience grace.

let me show them a glimpse of our real home. maybe they’ve forgotten. maybe they haven’t heard. maybe they’d want to come home with us too.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” – John 13:34-35

Day 1 – Paleo?

Quick Life update: In January, I stepped down from officership at church to focus on international student ministry. I celebrated my 6-months relationship (hi Stan!) in March. Esther and I also started training for a 5K in March (for the 3rd year now.. lol), which we will actually be running next week! (finally!! AHHH scary.)

Overall, my life rhythm slowed down a LOT, which has been a transition in itself – you’d be surprised at how much I missed being busy and “needed”. Sometimes I felt like I got off the train a few stations too early, but only realizing it after the train has pulled away from the station. NOOOOOO COME BACK!! But besides the minor freak outs, overall, I’m sleeping a lot more and trying to focus on living a more balanced life. :)

For Lent, I gave up sugar – specifically just to limit desserts and soda. It was mainly because I noticed that I often turned to food (sweets) for my emotional needs instead of first turning to God. Food is faster and instant! Thankfully, once I committed, I didn’t consider desserts as an option, so it wasn’t super hard mentally. I found it inconvenient sometimes though – I once accidentally ordered a French soda at a coffee shop because I wasn’t sure what to order that wouldn’t have syrup. French soda definitely had syrup.. lol.

Nearing the end of Lent, as I looked forward to being able to eat desserts again – I started freezing desserts. BAD IDEA. The anticipation of eat desserts made me crave them even more! My friend’s banana chocolate walnut bread, a cupcake, and ice cream!! On Easter, I had a piece of the most delicious tiramisu cake (OMG). It. was. glorious!!

While giving up sugar was partially a spiritual act of trying to grow in my relationship with God, it was also a side health experiment. I wanted to see if limiting my sugar-intake would help my acne to get better – – and it did! After 3+ years of struggling with acne, it’s hard to believe that my skin is smooth again! I currently don’t have any active acne. I still do have a lot of acne scars though.

I have been anti-medicine for basically my whole life, but through this, I have become a firm believer that FOOD is the real medication I need for my acne and overall health. What I put in my mouth will affect how my body functions.. which, does make sense..

I have never tried any diet plans because I believed in eating everything with moderation. Even in my search of wanting to eat clean, my schedule was such that I ate out almost every day, so I tried my best, but had many “oh well” binges. As I have been learning more about the Paleo lifestyle from blogs like FitBomb and Nomnom Paleo, (also this Buzzfeed challenge that’s not specifically paleo but low carb and no-processed foods), I’m becoming more convinced that the Paleo people may be up to something.

So here’s me, starting a new month, with a new challenge. I want to try Mark’s Daily Apple’s 21 day challenge!

21 day challenge

For me, this basically means: eat real (not processed) foods, avoid sugar & carbs, walk around outside, run 2-3 times a week, and sleep regularly!

Good, I love sleep. And I want to learn how to cook more..

Supposedly, you will feel & see the difference in 21 days. But apparently the first 2 weeks of transition to paleo may be horrible. WE SHALL SEE!!!

Greater Faith

This week, God has been speaking to me through both my small group Bible study and the IBS Bible study.

First, Moses.

Moses, looking at himself, asked “who am I..” and Jesus answered his question with, “but I will be with you.” (my version of Exodus 3:11-12)

Then, Peter.

Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:29-31)

It is always when I’m consumed with looking at myself and my circumstances that I don’t have room to see Jesus and have faith. I SO desire to be like Peter and get out of the boat and walk on water, but IT SOUNDS SO SCARY. I don’t need to be on the water to see the wind and be afraid. I am already afraid.

I feel like I’ve been praying for boldness and courage for a super long time, but still, I have such small faith. As long as I ask questions like “who am I….” without following up with “BUT God will be with me”, I will still be focusing on the wrong thing.

Keep your eyes on Jesus, Fei. And one day, we will walk on water to Jesus. And it will be GLORIOUS.


Strange things are happening. I’m not exactly sure how to explain or share about the changes taking place in my life. It’s not bad, just, extremely… different, and foreign. But I trust Him. It’s all kinds of weird, but I trust Him. I’m not sure how all of this will be a blessing or what kind of testimony it will be in the future; it’s definitely not what I had planned for myself, but, I want to trust that it will all make sense in due time. And I know God knows what He is doing. Once again, I’m learning, I need to just relax.. and let the almighty God take care of me. Allow Him to unravel it. He knows all things. Yes, He knows best!

the Ending.

I usually have a hard time watching intense movies, because I experience each scene personally and get affected so easily. After these movies, I let out a big sigh of relief because I’m so exhausted and glad the movie is over. I think this is why I prefer light-heart comedy so much more.

When I watch movies with friends, I always ask what happens. Some of them tell me to “just watch”, but as the momentum builds, and I feel like I can’t take it anymore, “JUST TELL ME IF HE MAKES IT IN THE END!!!!” I just want to know the ending. Because.. if it all works out in the end, I don’t have to stress out and can relax a little to “just enjoy the ride”.

It’s hard when I don’t have control of how the movie will unfold. It’s hard when I can’t help the main character out.

I think I’m afraid of sad endings. I stayed sad for hours after The Last Samurai finished. Same with A Walk to Remember, Armageddon, etc.

This is also why I hate watching scary movies, because it’s always so unpredictable and jumpy. Or even worse, when you sit there to watch the doom unfold while the character is oblivious and has no idea. I’m usually the one with eyes half covered and silently screaming “LOOK BACK LOOK BACK OMG LOOK BACK AHHHHHHHHHHH”


MAN, it translates well. As an active participant in this movie of life, I think I always want to make sure that my life has a happy ending.

Except, not all movies have one. Movies are made mainly for entertainment, but it draws on human experiences that our hearts can relate with. Not all movies are comedy, because our lives consist of more than just a laughing track. We also experience joy, sadness, pain, love, and these are portrayed in different movies to capture that.

I don’t really know how things will unfold in this movie of mine. Sometimes I ask the Director if He could tell me .. “Can you tell me what happens in the end? Can you tell me what happens next? Can’t you just tell me…?”

My friends who love thrillers usually hate it when I ask for the ending because “it ruins the movie”. The suspense is what makes a movie, they say. IT SO DOES NOT RUIN IT! I love reading spoilers before watching movies… it doesn’t bother me at all, but gives me a sense of safety(?).

But the Director of my life is not so easily convinced. Just enjoy the ride. Just enjoy the ride, He says.

I’m learning. I’m learning to. I’m trying not to be so obsessive with the ending, but to enjoy each moment. Embrace the mundane, the sadness, the pain, but also enjoy the laughs and the heartfelt moments. Fully experience each moment, because they are all scenes that the Director has written into the script for us. For a purpose. For a good purpose.

Just enjoy the ride..

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

My Heart

Content is the only word I can describe me right now. I’m not stressed, even though there’s a lot to do. Nothing is for certain, but I’m not worried and so at peace. All I really want these days is more of Him. Never thought I’d be here. It’s weird! but wonderful. Praise God for seasons of rest and joy. :)

// I’ve been blogging more at my Tumblr ( these days – much more free form and just sharing whatever on my heart. It’s mainly because I’ve been journaling more and I’m too lazy to write a lot on here too, and my tumblr is so pretty now, so. heh.


One thing I’m realizing about faith is this.. you can’t be 100% sure.

You go in faith, but even though your gut says it’s right and your heart is at peace, the result is still not guaranteed.

It could still all come crashing down making you look like a silly fool.

But deciding in faith is better than making an educated guess and hoping for the best.

Faith is not aimless hoping.

I have hope because I know God exists and he is sovereign. He is working in all things, and through all things.

I have hope because I know God is good. He even uses my bad choices for good.

I have hope because I know when I make choices out of love, out of a desire to honor and obey him, He is pleased with me no matter what the outcome is.

I have hope because He is my hope, and He never fails.

I’m still learning that faith is not about making all the right decisions, not making mistakes, or never struggling, but it’s about learning to depend on God in all I do.

“And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” – Hebrews 11:6

Seek him first.


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