Sometimes I go through phases where I feel so empty and hopeless I just want to curl up and disappear. I don’t feel God near. I feel anti-social. I do not want to see anyone because I feel convinced that no one really cares, humanity is doomed and everything is dumb. I know it’s a train of thought that leads to nowhere worthwhile, but I remain seated while heading steadily towards despair, self-pity, and non-productivity. Most of the time, the train also passes through the stops of resentment and angry declarations of hatred.
On this train, I harden my heart, close my eyes, and sometimes I wake up with the New Yorker Face. Here, I am tough. I am thug. At least I think that’s what those words mean. I put on my ‘I dare you to mess with me’ face, and then walk around like a time-bomb. I am a wounded lion who is not afraid to stir up trouble and give people a piece of my mind.
On better days, I wake up with the Beyonce attitude, because tough people are confident. I am self-sufficient. I don’t need anybody, because I am awesome all by myself. Even if I feel anything but those things, I convince myself that nothing can stand in the way of some girl-power or can-do attitude. The rest of the world believes this, why can’t I.
This world is a cold place and it is the survival of the fittest. or, the strongest. No time to be a baby.
Last weekend, God used quite a few people to show me love that I am baffled to receive. They didn’t have to, at all.
i’m thankful. so thankful. undeserving, overwhelmed, full. then overflowing. they probably don’t even know, but God placed all of them in my life in a very timely way. there came a bit of humility. and then a desire to love others, again. to stop looking at myself, but to look heavenward. this is not home yet. home will be lovely, but we are going to stay right here for a short while.
yes, here, in this mess of a place. because there are still many more who are hurting. who are lonely. who feel like outcasts. who are dying. who haven’t had a chance to have tasted this.
soft. yet, gives a strength that overcomes. empowers.
love is for the New Yorker Face and Beyonce Attitude too. sometimes, they are the ones who need it the most. they have forgotten what it feels like to be safe. to be accepted. to be free. to just receive.
love helps people to put down the shields they are so used to carrying. the masks they have convinced are their actual faces. if only they too could experience grace.
let me show them a glimpse of our real home. maybe they’ve forgotten. maybe they haven’t heard. maybe they’d want to come home with us too.
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” – John 13:34-35